the list

So something I've been struggling with lately is not having a special someone. Its really weird and hard for me, and in the end its all about not trusting in God's security. Its something thats made me really impatient.

"You're not ready to date until you're ready to be single."

Learning and living--thats what these years are all about! I have so much I want to do and ways I want to see God move in and through me. Surely I can't do it all while I'm tied down.

I have to constantly remind myself of Jacob and Rachel in Genesis 29. I have to remember that my worth is in God because all He sees in me is Jesus. He looks at me and sees His beautiful bride. He is the lover of my soul and my most intimate friend. That is still so awesome to me.

Another thing I did last February was make a "husband list" of things I want in my lifelong partner. I keep it in my jewelry box so I can always look at it and remind myself not to settle for less than God's best. Its a nice little "top ten most important things," anything from likes to sing, to nature lover, to always loving God more than he will love me. I'm waiting for that person who won't ever be perfect, but will be the perfect man for me.

Its something I'm going to have to battle with often. Goal: seek after the love of God more than I seek after the love of any man.

hurt hurt and more hurt

So I just really can't sleep right now. And its all because of that kid.

There would be nothing I'd love to see more than to see you run back to Jesus. Somewhere along the way, someone hurt you and you grew cold to the idea of God and church and community. I get that. Humans make mistakes. We hurt and get hurt. We can never be Jesus. What you didn't realize is that you had so many people on your side, so many people rooting for you and backing you up and taking care of you and loving you. But you disappeared for a while. A few of us tried to keep up with you. We texted you often and thought of you even more so. So when you never came around, people gave up.

Those people would argue that they didn't necessarily "give up" on you, but lets face it. When you stop trying and think theres nothing you can do, that its a lost cause--thats flat out quitting.

For some reason, you hold a special spot in my heart. Believe me when I say I love you so so much. I really genuinely miss seeing you and having you in my life. I want to see you at those pearly gates. I want to see you winning souls for the Kingdom. I want you to see that there is more to life than what you've made of it. There is a girl who loves you and a God who is so so jealous for you. You're breaking both of our hearts, kid. You've got a prayer warrior behind you, and we are your number one fans.

i love college

What a whirlwind. Stressful, busy, overwhelming, but I'm loving every second.

The first few days were summer camp. It was not fun. I very much dislike when my time is managed for me, so I'll be super excited once I get in a routine and classes begin and its all second nature. I've been going to a ton of FCA stuff, meeting all kinds of incredible people, connecting and whatnot. Everyone here is genuinely kind and friendly. Also I love Maddie and Taylor's RA Spencer (who is a girl, kind of confusing). She is such an amazing person and she's already taught me so much. Confession: I really want her to be my small group leader. I can't wait to get to know her better. I met two girls from Charlotte, Allie and Mariah, who go to Elevation church and love Steven Furtick and Sun Stand Still as much as I do. I'm so excited to get plugged in with people who love Jesus. This school is definitely where I'm supposed to be, and I'm blooming where I'm planted. I'm ready to take on the world and save some souls this year.

in-betweenies

College is so close, I'm nervous yet excited; scared yet hopeful. If I have to sum up my mantra for the next four years, I'll choose this:

"So watch your step. Use your head. Make the most of every chance you get. These are desperate times! Don't live carelessly, unthinkingly. Make sure you understand what the Master wants." Ephesians 5:15-17

You better believe this is going to be posted in the dorm room. God's been teaching me a lot about how weak I really truly am. He's shown me how even when I think I get a little off track, I'm running off the road at 100 MPH. Its going to be hard when I'm surrounded by all sorts of things, when all my time is able to be occupied by all kinds of other activities, to make the time to spend with God. But I'm going to work at it one day at a time. Through this whole journey, I want to seek His paths out, follow and obey, and bloom where I'm planted. Whether thats at Clemson or somewhere else down the road, I'm willing to go great lengths for the Kingdom because its here and nothings going to stop it.

selflessness

So God kind of hit me in a pretty big way over the last week or so.

Long story short, I've been obsessing over two things: 1.) myself and 2.) boys. Neither of which I'm proud of. I knew it was bad when I recognized the issue and didn't really want to change it. I can totally tell its been getting in between me and my greatest Love.

Faithsteps tonight kind of brought that idea of a self-serving vs. servant's mindset full circle, along with some of my own devotion time (one of my few for a while. again, not proud). Tonight Ken brought some awesome insight about the church and fellowship as believers. The early church was so wholly devoted, they would sell all of their belongings just so that they could meet the needs of others. They were immersed in the Word. They were saturated with humble and selfless love. They fellowshipped, followed, and filled themselves with the Spirit. But get this:

"People liked what they saw. Every day their number grew as God added those who were saved." Acts 2:47

When we love the way we were designed and build our relationships with Jesus at the center, people notice. Souls are eternally saved by it through God's divine intervention.

Also Philippians chapter 2 in my study Bible was appropriately titled "Joy in Serving" which I definitely needed, all about following God's directions and putting others first. Pretty rad how He pieces things together right before my eyes. I love that. And Him.

courage

So blogging this summer has proved to be more difficult than it first seemed, I have like zero time to do it nowadays. I've been loving work lately, I have good and bad days (and by that I mean good and bad kids) but they're all so wonderful and its truly the most rewarding experience. I have a few favorites now, one of whom is George. He's smaller than all the other kids and likes to dance around during lunch. He is also fond of holding my hand and playing monkey-see monkey-do. Clearly he's the most adorable 5 year old ever. My co-counselors are just as amazing, I worked with Tysheem last week and he is truly a blessing as a co. Jenna has become a close camp friend, she's hilarious. I've taken up tennis, sort of. By that I mean I hit around a lot and never play by the rules. The fam leaves for Ohio tomorrow morning, and I can't wait to see my grandparents. Grandma Marlynn and I are going on a walk in Blacklick park, I love just talking with her. She is a wealth of wisdom.

Just finished Esther, and its amazing to me how God uses each and every thing we say and do for His glory. Esther is definitely the perfect picture of the woman I hope to be some day. Her boldness and strength is unmatched, and because of her willing spirit God gave her incredible opportunity. I also want the heart of Mordecai, he stayed true to his roots even after the king granted him immeasurable power. His humility remained intact, and he continued to worship his Almighty God. Not to mention the whole story is super action-packed.

july 6th, 2011

I'm finally getting things back in order after a crazy first few weeks of summer. I've picked up on my quiet time some, ran (6 miles, swag), and caught up with some friends. Anna and I went on a day trip to the beach, where we ran into Phil and Corey. She is truly wonderful, and I can't describe in words how blessed I am to have known her this short amount of time. I know shes going to grow in ways I can't even imagine, and shes really going to make an impact on everyone she meets next year. I spent Independence Day with Rach and Julia at the lake, some much needed R&R. Got together with some friends that evening for fun and food, I've missed that. I caught up with Caleb over dinner and a walk through the park. Lets face it, anything that involves enjoying creation after a delicious meal is right up my alley. I have my first actually huddle this week at work, and my co-counselor Will is beyond amazing. He is so gifted in more ways that I could ever dream of. He's definitely helping me figure this whole camp counselor thing out, and providing more than enough support along the way.

So just finished Exodus, and yet again Moses' faith astounds me. When God tells him to go out and do something, he responds with this:

"Moses said, 'If your presence doesn't take the lead, call this trip off right now. How else will it be known that You are with me in this, with me and Your people?'" Ex. 33:15

Seriously. How many times do I actually think about whether or not I am consciously aware of His guiding Spirit? It should be daily that I ask Him to take the reigns. I shouldn't go anywhere without Him in the forefront of my mind. He's always right beside me, but how often do I walk with Him hand in hand?