Newtown, CT and why God cares

Often I assume that most of the human race is good and then someone takes a gun to an elementary school and takes peoples lives from them so suddenly and I'm surprised by it. I'm shocked to see broken people. And then I'm left standing in the aftermath asking God why He would let this happen.

I was on a run and getting overwhelmed by all of this because I hate to see humans classify other humans in order of importance. I do it to. We say to ourselves, "maybe I swear, but at least I don't look at porn" or "yeah, I tell a white lie here and there but I'm not breaking into a school shooting innocent children." We talk about how evil those people are and pretend like we're not just as capable of doing the same thing if left to our own devices.

I'm think about the Stanford Prison Experiment and I'm reminded of how much evil is inside each one of us by nature. Its the human condition. We have a disease and its called we think we know better than God.

And while I was running and my eyes were flooded with tears He grabbed me and loved me and spoke so sweetly to me the most comforting words I've ever heard.

Jesus came to love the sinner and the saint. He could perfectly view everyone around Him as equals, something I will never be able to fully understand. He was always surrounded by the tax collectors and the prostitutes and the outcasts and wanted the best for the ones who brutally beat Him. He didn't play favorites. He didn't love based on how "bad" their sin was. In fact, the people He grew the closest to were the ones who were at the bottom of the social ladder.

But I'm still stuck wondering how God can let things like this happen; why He allows children to be shot or planes to crash or the Holocaust to exist. Why does He let evil win so often?

In John 11, Jesus is out of town doing ministry with the disciples when He gets word that Lazarus is sick and that He needs to come home and heal him or he'll die soon. Jesus isn't really phased by this though, so He sticks around a while longer before returning. He already knows that Lazarus is dead and keeps telling the disciples that but they aren't quite getting it (probably used to Jesus speaking in parables and metaphors). When He finally gets home Mary falls at His feet, weeping, crying out that if He had only been there her brother might still be with them. And then,

Jesus wept. (vs. 35)

It's the first time John records something like this, Jesus actually crying. The Jews all said "Wow, He really loved that man." But surely Jesus wasn't truly that upset that Lazarus was reunited with God, He knew that would be a better place than this world of ours. No, I think He was crying because "some of them said, 'Could not He who opened the eyes of the blind man have kept this man from dying?'" (vs. 37). He was deeply hurting for these people because they didn't believe. They didn't get it. They didn't see that His plan was so much better, even in the midst of tragedy.

He went on to raise Lazarus from the grave, and in this act so many more souls were brought from death to life. I'm going to go with His plan rocks every single time.

He is so sovereign its insane. We can NOT escape His purposes. His perfect plan may not include bringing life back to our loved ones who are no longer with us, but He remains unchanged. Still strong and still mighty and still loving and concerned with the things that trouble our hearts and torture our souls. When we trust Him, we start to "get it" and I think that is one of His favorite things.

made for this

I think sometimes I forget that God wants us to enjoy life here on earth. I tend to overcomplicate things. I keep wondering whether or not I should apply for this internship or that job or go on a date with that boy or be friends with this girl. I don't think I should want to be young with my friends or cook yummy food or think and smile and giggle about a boy. I get so caught up in thinking that I'm not made to be in this world forever and my treasure should be in heaven and I'm really just waiting on the LORD to lead me in the way I should go. Listen, all those things are true and important and good; I just feel like I'm overlooking some pretty great things.

When God speaks the universe into existence in Genesis He sums it up with two words: very good (1:31). So here we have this big and beautiful earth complete with the sun, moon, and stars and He made is as much for our delight as He did His; and its good. Then we see Adam and he's alone and its the first time that God deems something "not good." Seems kind of silly that God would make something "not good."

I'm reading another Donald Miller book (surprise) titled "Searching for God Knows What" in which he explores the emotional aspect of God in contrast with our systematic theology. He talks all about Adam and Eve and how God made us so relational. He made man and woman to be together and to enjoy each other and to enjoy Him and His glorious world He created. Y'all, He wants to bless us and surprise us. He wants us to be happy.

Its amazing to me to see how much more I enjoy this world I'm living in when I have my eyes fixed on Jesus. When I look for fullness and life in God, I delight so much more in the relationships and things that He's given me. And I think thats how He meant for it to turn out; that we would love to live life on earth experiencing His good creation with one another. 

I see this so much more now that I've begun talking with Him out loud. I think He likes hearing our voices. Its nice because He's so close and I feel like He's sitting physically beside me and I can tell Him anything and everything anytime I want. I also think He likes hearing about the things that bring us joy in life. I feel like I can tell Him how much I love my friends or why I like to cook or why a boy can make me so happy and I don't have to be ashamed because its how He wired us.

If the greatest way we give Him glory is by the way we live in this world, then we should live like we enjoy every second of it.

half marathon

Its official: I completed my first half marathon.

I've never been good at finishing what I start. This has been something I've always told myself I wanted to do and I can check it off my bucket list! I finished with a time of 1:52:13 with an average mile pace of 8:34/mile. WHAT? It feels great to have worked hard for something and see how far I can push myself.

Lookin good after the race

13.1 glorious miles

To say I loved every second of it would be a straight up lie. But I can say that the entire time I was thanking God for two strong legs and the joy He gives me in using them. When I passed the 13 mile mark and made it into the baseball diamond for the final 0.1 miles I sprinted around those bases to home plate in tears (that is no exaggeration) because I DID IT. It was such a neat experience and I may or may not have cried multiple times in the midst of all the support along the course. Its so cool to see people encouraging loved ones to pursue their dreams and challenge themselves, not to mention how humbling it is to run alongside moms and dads and grandparents.

What an amazing picture of the Kingdom, too. You start running this race and there's no turning back and sometimes you love it and sometimes its really hard but you're pressing on toward the finish line where there's this big celebration and you realize that the journey was beautiful and worth it.

hindsight is 20/20

I would like to apologize for the lack of blogs, I'm mostly disappointed in myself for not having kept myself accountable the last few months. But in my defense, life has been insane as of late. If there's one thing I've learned this semester its that good time management does not come naturally to me. Young Life, 20 credit hours, and a job is a heck of a lot to do every week; but I'm loving every second of it.

Last weekend was fall break and I was lucky enough to be invited to the BYX formal in Charleston where I spent the first half of break. Sunday I was able to drive to Rals to be home with my family for the first time since August. I needed that desperately. Home is the only place I find true rest. 

Any time spent in Raleigh is wonderful. I love being home and in a familiar place. With familiarity comes reminders of my past. High school was rough for this girl, especially my senior year (I promise I'm not about to throw myself a pity party, just bear with me). My boyfriend of almost a year had left me heartbroken and classmates were cruel. That being said, I ate lunch alone in my car more often than I care to admit. I absolutely dreaded lunch time for that reason.

"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end." Ecclesiastes 3:11

All those days I spent eating lunch alone I would crack open my Bible and dive into scripture or journal or just talk to God. Looking back on that time when I felt like I had no genuine friends, I see now that Jesus was truly my best friend. I mean that in the least cheesy and most spiritually mature way possible. He was the first person I told anything to--doubts, hopes, fears, and dreams. We talked about the big stuff and the little things. It was without a doubt the closest I've ever been to Him. I knew intimacy with Him that I'd never known before and I was head-over-heels in love.

It took me feeling completely alone to find out how sweet and precious He is.

I've been feeling spiritually dry the past few months. If we're being honest and I know we are, theres been a lack of the Spirit in my life. Its been so long since I've heard His voice, I'm stuck in a one-sided conversation in which my side is seriously lacking effort. But I want the closeness with Him I used to know. I want to run to Him first concerning anything.

"Look to the LORD and his strength; seek his face always." Psalm 105:4

Heres to denying my flesh the privilege of going to any other human being about my experiences before I go to God. Its sure to be a challenge but I know He's far more than worth it.

depth and dependence

Happy Labor Day! Although Clemson University decided to hold classes today, its been one great weekend. A day spent with friends in Atlanta was just what the doctor ordered. The (real) tigers broke the six year Atlanta curse at the Dome with a win. Football season--arguably my favorite season--is finally here! The highlight reel is as follows:

Young Life fever in ATL

We loved having long legs for a moment

Observation deck at the Westin

I finished Blue Like Jazz finally. I'm going to go ahead and say its one of the best books I've ever read and I mean that. Donald Miller is so insightful and his writing style is right up my alley. I loved his topical take on the different aspects of Christianity. One of my favorite chapters was about love and what it looks like to truly love others.

After I repented, things were different. I was happy... I was set free. I was free to love. I didn't have to discipline anybody, I didn't have to judge anybody, I could treat everybody as though they were my best friend, as though they were rock stars or famous poets, as though they were amazing, and to me they became amazing. I could feel God's love for [them]. I loved the fact that it wasn't my responsibility to change somebody, that it was God's, that my part was just to communicate love and approval.

 When I ask for God to love people through me, thats exactly what happens. I think its so important to ask Him daily for His love to flow through us. There's no chance of me ever mustering up genuine, selfless love from inside me because I am a child of wrath born in sin. I'm learning that I have to depend on God for literally everything, and thats tremendously difficult.

Our small group is going through So Long, Insecurity together this semester. That meant small group this week was REAL heavy. It was taxing, emotionally and spiritually, to dig up the roots of our individual weaknesses and fears. Tears shed and hugs shared, we were humbled in our vulnerability and ready to face our problems head on. I think, sometimes, how insulting it must be to God that I would feel like He didn't create something beautiful when He created me; that somewhere between tubby toddler and pre-adolescent pudge He messed up. How cheated He must feel when I look for affirmation from boys or friendships or "way-to-go's" instead of the one who erased all of my shame forever. I have quite a few of these insecurities to break through, but I'm willing to bet anything that the name of Jesus holds power to break every chain.

"Christ has set us free to live a free life. So take your stand! Never again let anyone put a harness of slavery on you." Galatians 5:1

sophomore: wise fool

First day of school picture with Savvy, classic.

With three days of classes under my belt, my second year is looking pretty bright. Living in this apartment complex has proved to be an awesome experience already. My room mates Maddie, Katie, and Savannah are so fun and silly, we feed off of each other's energy. Our neighbors are great, four boys who are forever being the handy-men around here. They've been repaid in countless baked goods.

Spur-of-the-moment family dinner with the loved ones.

Life here is falling into place so quickly and so well. I'm going to my first lunch as an official Seneca High School Young Life leader. I've been nervous all week, but I'm seeing that as a positive. In my weakness He is strong. I don't want any part of me in that cafeteria today. I'm praying that He love the students through me because there is not even an ounce of genuine, good, pure love that I can muster up on my own.

The spiritual climate on this campus is insanely passionate. God's been teaching me so much through His spirit and the people He's surrounding me with. This Sunday's sermon was titled "The Big ASK Message" all about talking to people about Jesus as well as asking God to save the lost. I was so convicted and began asking God to not only point out the lost kids at Seneca High School but to show me who He wanted to love on in my classes around campus. As soon as I asked Him it was like He was dropping endless opportunities right in front of me. He's given me a second chance at a friendship that I didn't take advantage of this summer. By His grace He placed her in my life again. I'm not wasting my time anymore, souls are at stake.

You must really hate someone not to share Jesus with them.

Mr. Kowalke will never know the true wisdom in those words. Its time for me to get real about what it means to be a "fisher of men." How can I call myself a fisherman if I've never caught any fish?

"Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast." Psalm 139:7-10

I love that it is so impossible for me to escape God's sovereignty. Nothing surprises Him. Even when I slip up or make a mistake, He wrote it all in the plan. I have nothing to lose and everything to gain by simply walking in His truth.

I've been overwhelmed by His goodness. I feel like I say it constantly, but its so true! His love is so great and so deep and so vast. He made us knowing full well that He would have to save us, and He did it anyway! THAT IS THE GREATEST LOVE I'VE EVER KNOWN, Y'ALL. His grace covers me completely, totally, always. I'm ready to live like I know it.

after Haiti

It only took 11 days.


Here I am sitting in Sola Cafe forever impacted by the Haitians, hands down the most life-changing week and a half of my life. God taught me so much in so little time. He showed me His goodness and His sweet nature daily, whether it was through the children, the sunset, or the love of my teammates.

I fell in love with the kids. We visited a few villages and I was amazed that each time children would come running out of their homes to play with us.

Children's home in Chambrun

Kids loved the camera

Windell, cutest child I've ever met

Sweet Haitian baby who loved my eyelashes

Other than hanging out with the kids at the children's home in Chambrun, we worked on some buildings on the compound at Nehemiah Vision Ministries. They are in the process of building two new children's homes that will house 64 kids altogether.

Sanding concrete walls with my best friend

We helped out with an ESL summer camp for the kids Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Monday. It was an awesome way to integrate my God-given passions into the missions work we were doing. I assisted with the learning activities for a day which was super fun. I hung out with the oldest group of campers (14+ year olds) which was out of my comfort zone; I ended up loving the sassy teenaged girls. It was so cool to see that they liked the same things I did (boys, clothes, Rihanna, etc.).

Lolika, too cute

All my ladies: Poo Poo, Stania, Maritzard, and Melissa

Berline was killing this photo shoot

On our last full day abroad we helped conduct a vision clinic in Onaville. We tested near and far vision and gave out glasses to the ones who needed them. We gave out 154 pairs of eyeglasses and saw 28 people cross over from death to life by the power of Jesus. HOW INCREDIBLE.

Running the focometer with a Haitian translator

We had time every night to worship and dive into Paul's epistles one by one. The Word of God is so powerful and I was constantly reminded of how important it is to eat it up daily. I couldn't have asked for a better team to serve with. I was so encouraged by everyone's hard work and hunger for the LORD; and beyond that, they were a blast.

The world became so small the minute I set foot in Chambrun. The thought of true poverty went from head to heart as I held starving children. For so long I forgot that people outside the United States existed. For so long I pictured God as an American God. Hearing Haitians and Americans praise God simultaneously in Creole and English gave me a taste of what Heaven will be like. It was amazing to see joy in genuine worship and reckless abandon as a church body.

God's calling me back to that special place, and He has big plans ahead.

before Haiti

crafts, love, and banana blueberry muffins

work shouldn't be this fun

Its been a while since I've last posted, thus I failed to complete my June goal to blog weekly (only at the end thankfully). Perhaps the most memorable moments of the past two weeks were spent with Megan during her weekend stay in Rals. I loved being with her for a few days, showing her around the city, exploring, and catching up. I forget sometimes how much I appreciate her friendship. Other than working, I've been running, baking, and crafting. Not much has changed. As for my goal to read three books by July, yeah that one flopped too. But I did get started and almost finished with a few books.

As for God and myself, I'd be lying to say we were super close right now. I feel really distant. Relationships ebb and flow, thats natural. In these last few days, though, I've been struggling with the condition of my heart in preparation for this trip to Haiti. I feel like there is no possible way that I could have the capacity to love the Haitians more than I love myself. Donald Miller writes in his book Blue Like Jazz,

The most difficult lie I have ever contended with is this: life is a story about me.

How often can I possibly think about me in 24 hours. I'll give you a hint, ITS ALL THE TIME. I'm concerned. I'm scared I won't let go long enough to let God's love permeate my soul to show His love to the people I'll meet these next 11 days. My brain keeps playing through the "what ifs." I don't want to go seeking glory for myself.

If I really believe in a God who can transform lives, then I need to start living like it. I have to trust that even in a short plane ride He can mold and shape this clay heart into a vessel ready to pour out His sweet, sweet truth. Here's to showing the love of Jesus to Haiti and here's to God showing himself through our experiences.

holiness

Happy Wednesday! So I called in sick today, which means I've had lots of time to catch up on things at home. Today marks the day of Macy's birth 19 solid years ago, what an amazing lady. I'm so thankful for her friendship. Current status concerning summer reading:
The Hunger Games-completed
So Long, Insecurity-pg. 151 of 346
Blue Like Jazz-pg. 13 of 240
I'd say its coming along quite nicely. Megan is visiting this weekend, which means lots of coffee outings and play time outside. My kids at work are still wonderful and cute in every way, but also challenging at times. Absolutely loving them to death though.

I'm seeing God work in magnificent ways lately. Once again He's proven to me that He can take this messy, sinful heart of mine and use it for His glory. How do I always forget that His plan accounts for all my sin and all my mistakes? Its like, duh, I'm going to mess up, but He knew that already. It was also a huge reminder to constantly tune into the Spirit; to take a step of faith when He prompts you. Be real about your struggles; be real about His victories. Remember that you are not the only one who's sinned the way you have.

"No temptation has seized you except what is common to man..." 1 Cor. 10:13a

After an awesome conversation with McCready (aforementioned "Macy") last night, He also reminded me that when we respond to the Spirit and say or do what He tells us to, we shouldn't worry about the results. If we obey, our work is finished; the outcome is out of our hands, whether that means a positive, negative, or indifferent response.

Story time! While waiting to clock-in Tuesday morning, a co-worker/friend and I were chatting at our cars and He noticed I was reading Blue Like Jazz. When I explained to him what it was about ("Nonreligious Thoughts on Christian Spirituality") his response was, "wait, you're a Christian?"

Ouch.


Sucker punch in the gut. I'm sick to my stomach just typing this. As believers we are called to "be holy because [He is] holy" (Leviticus 19:2). That's a command, y'all. Holy. Set apart. Different. If someone has to ask, I'm not doing my job. Mark 6:12 says the disciples "went out preaching with joyful urgency that life can be radically different." I want passion like that. Jesus and I are going to be working on that. I hope I never get asked that question again, but boy, am I grateful for that humbling wake-up call. I'm asking Him to show me how to be holy in this lost world without radiating an abrasive, prideful air. Please please please, humility in EVERYTHING, God.

be the light

my weekend in photos: Lady A, Komen 5K, crafting for the apartment, and FDC 2012

Sometimes I forget how truly blessed I am. I'm currently at SOLA Coffee (dare I say I like it better than Jubala, judge me) after having a morning date with Molly, what an amazing girl. Camp starts in t-minus 40 minutes and I couldn't be more stoked. I've started two of the three books I plan to read this month, The Hunger Games and So Long, Insecurity and I highly recommend both of them to anyone. Fantastic reads.

Its interesting that Finley Day Camp's theme for the summer is "Be the Light." Its been neat realizing what God intends for us to do as believers. He calls us to go and make disciples (Matt. 28:19) which requires us to GO, to be the light in a dark, dark world. The Holy Spirit really convicted me Sunday after Pastor Chuck preached about that same idea. Too often, mostly out of comfort, I stay in my Christian bubble. To that I'd say, who's going to meet Jesus? That's no way to obey what He has clearly commanded us to do. I'm so looking forward to what He's about to do in the next few weeks. I'm praying that He'll give me words of truth and love to speak into receptive, open ears. I'm praying that as I take this journey, I won't be discouraged when I don't see immediate results. I'm praying that I'm in tune with the Spirit and that at the end He says, "Well done."

I've been all up in 2 Samuel this week, so David is the star of the show. Its crazy to see just how quickly David lets his guard down and his sin snowballs out of control; and, whether we like it or not, God never fails to show us where we mess up. The best news: God still loves him and blesses him beyond belief. I'm really thankful that God can point out the sin in our lives and if we let him, he can uproot it on the spot. It hurts to fall. A lot. But how much sweeter is the victory when we let God pick us back up and set us back on track? Beth Moore writes,

Maybe we’re all just sick to death of taking three steps forward and two steps back. Call me a math wizard, but isn’t that still one step forward?...And if we don’t lose that ground, aren’t we on our way somewhere new? Willing to take three more steps—even if we lose two?

In Christ, we have no fear of failure. How wonderful is it to have a Father who eternally wants to see us grow and succeed?

june bug

June goals, fresh hydrangeas, and current reads

The first of June could not be more beautiful. I'm loving the fresh blooms (gorgeous pink and periwinkle hydrangeas from our yard, my favorite) and warm sunshine. With a new month comes new goals. If all goes well, I should read The Hunger Games, So Long Insecurity, and Blue Like Jazz by July. I'm also instituting my morning quiet times again. Its good to get in the habit of starting your day with the love of your life and let Him fill you up. It also helps me to actually do it instead of saying "oh I'll get to that later" because, lets face it, I usually don't. Here's to turning over a few new leaves.

God's been showing me that almost always His plans and my plans don't match up, and that's a good thing. I've had to say "no" to a few things, including my usual job at camp. While I'm still working with my kids at the YMCA this summer, I was hand-picked and presented with the new opportunity and difficult challenge of being a summer-long permanent "noonie" or sub for counselors that have their half day. I won't have one huddle all summer, but it gives me the chance to build relationships and share the love of Christ with all the 1st and 2nd graders as well as my co-counselors and fellow noonies. Even though it wasn't in my plan, it was in His plan. I'm beginning to see how He orchestrates each aspect of my life all for His glory, what a good God we serve.

"And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love." 1 Corinthians 13:13

I'm praying that He'll give me strength and boldness and opportunities to love the few specific co-counselors He's placed on my heart. Its going to take a lot of faith and trust that He can do all things, even if its opening up the eyes, ears, and hearts of these precious friends. But I'm expecting the LORD to move in big ways this summer, and I'm ready to take the plunge.

just friends

I'm in my favorite local coffee shop, Jubala Village Coffee, and whats better than sipping an iced County Line Cocktail? Sipping a free iced County Line Cocktail. I just broke up with the GAP, two jobs was too much. I'm getting mentally prepared for my trip to Rock Hill tomorrow to see some of my sweetest friends and to Charlotte to see Dave Matthews for the first time. I get to hang out with my girls Megan, Macy, and Hillary all day Thursday before I have to come back to Rals for Y training. I was in a crafty mood last night and after a trip to Michael's and lots of glitter I had created a masterpiece. Ladies and gents--the chevron glitter clipboard.

Before: Clipboard, tape, glitter, Mod Podge

After: Call me an education diva

So 1 Samuel is almost finished, and I'm astounded by a few things. After David kills Goliath (a pretty awesome throw down) and Saul welcomes him into the kingdom, he and Jonathan become great friends. 1 Samuel 18:1 even says that Jonathan "became one in spirit with David, and he loved him as himself." Jon, despite his father's hatred for him, always spoke well of David to others. Even when Dave was on the run, Jonathan went to him and "helped him find strength in God" (1 Sam. 23:16). That's genuine, honest, encouraging, selfless love between two brothers in Christ. I want that! My prayer is that God would fill me up so I'm overflowing with this kind of love in all my relationships. I want to go deeper with people and know their hearts so that maybe we, too, can be one in spirit. I want my friendships to be so centered around Christ that its all outsiders can see.

moments

new coffee and quiet time spot-a big rust colored armchair with a sunrise view

Life's been grand. I've been able to see almost everyone I missed while I was away at school. Still waiting on that real-talk slumber party, Rach. We have lots of catching up/checking up to do. So far I've already been on a road trip to Lynchburg with Dillon, visited Christin at NCSU with Rachel, worked a few days, and, to kick the summer off right, had a bro-b-q last night with my best friends. Today, being Mother's Day, we celebrated by going out to lunch and being extra nice to mom. She's such a sweet lady, I'm so blessed to have her.

This morning I was reading 1 Samuel 14. Jonathan, Saul's son, sneaked out and tried to fight the Philistines without him knowing. After breaking a silly oath Saul made, Jon was cursed. God doesn't forget when we make promises, by the way. So when Saul went to ask for God's provision and guidance regarding the Philistines, here's what happens.

So Saul asked God, "Shall I go down after the Philistines? Will you give them into Israel's hand?" But God did not answer him that day. Saul therefore said, "Come here, all you who are leaders of the army, and let us find out what sin has been committed today." 1 Samuel 14:37-38

I can't tell you the countless times I ask to hear God's word on something and haven't heard anything. Never do I immediately think its a problem on my end (although it without a doubt always is). Normally, there's something getting in between He and I. Maybe I'm putting something else first, or maybe I haven't taken that next step of faith He's calling me to. This week, I'm praying that He reveals whatever it is that tends to block our line of communication. I want to hear His voice loud and clear above the rest of the chaos in this world.

dear ashley,

Congratulations! You just finished your freshman year in college.

It was a year of firsts. You ran your first 5K and 10K. You got your first tattoo. You changed your major for the first time (and then for the second time). You had your first roommate and your first blind date and went to your first frat party. You went to your first Young Life club and on your first backpacking trip. Some things you wished you never tried, and some things you can't wait to do for the rest of your life.

You met some pretty rad people who changed your life. You took some friendships from home deeper than they've ever gone. You were real with people in a way you'd never been before, keep it up. Don't forget that inside everyone is just as screwed up as you are. Don't forget that its the reason you love people so much.

You had some peaks and valleys this year. Don't forget to look up and praise Him in moments of triumph; don't forget to look behind at all He's brought you through when you can't see your way out of the pit. Remember that you are redeemed, bought at a price, called by name, adopted as His own.

Learn from your mistakes, make the most of every chance you get. You'll blink and it'll be gone before you know it.

So here's to freshman year and to making the next three just as awesome.

satisfy us

This idea of contentment seems impossible particularly the way our American culture works. We always want to get a raise or lose a few pounds, its always on to the next thing. Its something that I've been wrestling with in all areas of my life.

In Numbers 11, the Israelites complain that all they eat is manna. Even when the LORD provided all they needed daily, they wanted something else, something different, or something more.

Ok, flip over to Psalm 90.

So Moses wrote a Psalm. In this Psalm, Moses writes,

"Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days." Psalm 90:14

How awesome would it be if every day I woke up and the first thing I thought of was God's love? I'm going to go ahead and say I don't think thats ever happened. But thats my prayer! I want to wake up in the morning and sing for joy because of His unfailing love. I want to experience the LORD's joy in new ways each day. I want to expect great things from Him, and then see them happen.

grace

Its been a while, I know. A whole lot has happened in the last few months.

I've learned so much about myself and others and the LORD. One thing thats been a huge part of these last few months has been the idea of His grace.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9

For so long I'd been believing the lies Satan was feeding me; that I was the only person who struggled with these things, that I should be ashamed of what I'd done, that there would be no one on this earth who could relate to what I'd dealt with. I thought I'd keep my sin and shame locked up and hidden away forever, until I met Megan.

"No temptation has seized you except what is common to man." 1 Corinthians 10:13

She had recently become my small group leader at the time and we had hardly known each other longer than two weeks; but I was on the porch one day and she came and sat with me in a rocking chair. She told me that her small group were all sharing their testimonies each week and that she had the coming Sunday to share her own. So, naturally,  I wanted to hear. It turned out that her story was similar to mine and she told me about a specific sin that she had dealt with. She said that she had found a good friend to confess and confide in and it was the most freeing thing she'd ever felt.

It was like someone punched me in the gut. His Spirit was definitely telling me I needed to tell her what I had been struggling with, but me being an idiot I thought "surely You don't mean that, God." Um yeah, hi, He's always right.

So I held off on that one. The following night I left the dorm for a few minutes and when I returned, Anna had been talking with Key about something personal and kindly kicked me out. I was kind of pissed, so I went marching down to Megan's room. Oh boy, I had to tell her. So somehow it just came out. We both knew it needed to happen and that God had brought us together for a reason. It was like 50 elephants were lifted off my shoulders and I could breathe easy. The best part was, she didn't see me any worse than she did before.

God's grace can only shine through when we allow ourselves to be human enough to admit, out loud, to another person, our short comings and flaws. We often forget that he made us human. He wanted us to be human, to be imperfect. I am so thankful that He did. How much more beautiful is He when standing next to someone as messed up as me? With salvation there is freedom and joy and peace to be exactly who He created us to me, even with all our junk and all our messiness.