comparison and gratitude

So here I am in the Columbus Airport, another holiday spent with family and filled with food. This Thanksgiving was a blast. It makes me long to be home in Rals and these next two weeks will undoubtedly feel like decades.

I think back to last holiday season and where I was one year ago. I was in the height of an eating disorder, overcome by a vicious cycle of starving and bingeing. Not only was I obsessed with food and controlling my weight, but the rest of the country was obsessed with food too. I was in Ohio for three days before I had an anxious emotional breakdown. Not to be dramatic, but I literally told Mom that I never wanted to go back to Columbus.

This year, I was able to eat normally. I didn't need to run everyday to make my calories balance out at the end of the day, nor did I desire to keep track of calories at all. Yes, I did eat pecan pie and chocolate chip cake; no, I did not binge until I was sick nor did I starve myself as punishment. 

The Lord heals, y'all. I'm living proof. I'm grateful for His miracles and I'm grateful for His fires that refine me. A heck of a lot can happen in one year, just ask ED, me, and Jesus.

50th post and upcoming adventures

Over the last several months, God has given me near complete healing in my eating disorder. I am proud to say that I haven't weighed myself since March, have stopped restricting my calories and foods, ceased counting calories and minutes spent exercising, and all my clothes still fit. Food no longer has any power over me and can no longer hurt me or bring me comfort. It is merely used for energy and satisfaction; its original intent. The LORD is so good to me, because I could not have found this freedom on my own.

"No longer will they call you Deserted, or name your land Desolate. But you will be called Hephzibah (my delight is in her) and your land Beulah (married); for the LORD will take delight in you,...as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride, so will your God rejoice over you." Isaiah 61:4+5

I see now what His delight in me looks like, and while food has taken its rightful place in my life, He's helped me to begin the process of developing a delight in the person He's made me--inside and out. Its been tough, but I think a few weeks in a culture vastly different from my own is exactly what I need to be free of these chains.

As I prepare to go on a two month tour in Haiti, I'll be keeping y'all updated on a separate blog until my return. You can find it here.

Peace and blessings until then!

perfect progress

We live in a world where almost nothing is truly linear. Nothing profound can be reduced to formula. Even simplicity has no rhyme or reason to it. I think about things I love most in life like long green grass and singing and laughing children. Even these things aren't predictable or perfect by any means.

And here I am thinking that recovery will look like a steady positive climb until I've reached the summit. I envision placing one foot in front of the other following a straight path to healing, never slipping or straying.

Diamonds are a thing of beauty. A girls best friend--why? Because they are rare, valuable, naturally brilliant. A diamond's value is based on several factors, or the four C's: carat, color, clarity, and cut. Although no diamond is absolutely perfect, the naturally more clear and colorless the stone, the pricier it gets. But scientists have found a way to make lab generated diamonds, spotless, clear, radiant--perfect. Interestingly enough, these diamonds are far less expensive than their earth-made counterparts.

Perfection just isn't valuable.

I strive for perfection daily. Whether its physical perfection, spiritual perfection, or relational perfection, it leaves me feeling empty and exhausted and disappointed when its just out of reach.

But Jesus didn't come for perfect people. He didn't even come to make us perfect. He came to love us in our complete disarray. He came to meet us here in our wounded and blemished state so He could tell us that we are far more valuable than the perfect people we try to be. He wants to fill all the gaps in our heart, complement our shortcomings, complete our fractured souls. He sees our imperfections as chances to sweetly love us. He desires us just the way we are.

"...He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6

I run this race, I fall sometimes (most times), and get up always. I won't give up or give in because the God who never once gave up on me in the midst of all the chaos gently whispers,

streams in the wasteland

Per usual, I'm going to be transparent. Don't run just yet.

Over Christmas break, it came to my attention that I've been dealing with an eating disorder for several months. I've been in an endless cycle of bingeing/fasting/excessive exercise and its not healthy. I'm sick of being sick and I'm ready to be healed. Healing for me means meeting weekly with a dietician, group therapy, and lots and lots of prayer.

Still there?

I'm not going to lie, its been exhausting on all fronts. Physically, emotionally, spiritually--I'm drained. I recently had the opportunity to talk about all of this with a good friend who dealt with the same thing for years. She encouraged me to dig into scripture and run toward Jesus. And so I found myself in Isaiah 43.

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." (vs. 1-2)

Normally this is where I stop, seeing as this was the inspiration for my tattoo (yes, I have one). This time I read through the chapter and found a few more gems.

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing!...I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland...to give drink to my people, my chosen, the people I formed for myself that they may proclaim my praise." (vs. 19-22)

My God is not one to fix what is broken, to patch us up. He's in the business of making us new and whole and perfect. He wants to heal us, his chosen.  I have to give Him this wasteland of myself daily and ask for His healing water to touch my dry and empty heart.

I'm not publishing this to throw myself a pity party. Eating disorders are no doubt partially a result of psychological problems, but if I'm being real with myself, its largely because I failed to place God first for a long long time. I've been selfishly devoted to weight, appearance, and approval for far too long. But if people don't know our sin and imperfection, how is He supposed to get any of the glory?

So thanks Jesus, for being so sweet and kind when I least deserved it and taking on my sins while I still hated you.

in 2013 I will...

• complete a sprint triathlon
• learn to speak Creole
• only weigh myself at the doctor
• not count calories
• eat for nutrition
• finish reading through the Bible
• volunteer monthly
• ask for help more
• let God delight in me
• let others delight in me
• delight in who He says I am
• challenge myself daily