in 2013 I will...

• complete a sprint triathlon
• learn to speak Creole
• only weigh myself at the doctor
• not count calories
• eat for nutrition
• finish reading through the Bible
• volunteer monthly
• ask for help more
• let God delight in me
• let others delight in me
• delight in who He says I am
• challenge myself daily

Newtown, CT and why God cares

Often I assume that most of the human race is good and then someone takes a gun to an elementary school and takes peoples lives from them so suddenly and I'm surprised by it. I'm shocked to see broken people. And then I'm left standing in the aftermath asking God why He would let this happen.

I was on a run and getting overwhelmed by all of this because I hate to see humans classify other humans in order of importance. I do it to. We say to ourselves, "maybe I swear, but at least I don't look at porn" or "yeah, I tell a white lie here and there but I'm not breaking into a school shooting innocent children." We talk about how evil those people are and pretend like we're not just as capable of doing the same thing if left to our own devices.

I'm think about the Stanford Prison Experiment and I'm reminded of how much evil is inside each one of us by nature. Its the human condition. We have a disease and its called we think we know better than God.

And while I was running and my eyes were flooded with tears He grabbed me and loved me and spoke so sweetly to me the most comforting words I've ever heard.

Jesus came to love the sinner and the saint. He could perfectly view everyone around Him as equals, something I will never be able to fully understand. He was always surrounded by the tax collectors and the prostitutes and the outcasts and wanted the best for the ones who brutally beat Him. He didn't play favorites. He didn't love based on how "bad" their sin was. In fact, the people He grew the closest to were the ones who were at the bottom of the social ladder.

But I'm still stuck wondering how God can let things like this happen; why He allows children to be shot or planes to crash or the Holocaust to exist. Why does He let evil win so often?

In John 11, Jesus is out of town doing ministry with the disciples when He gets word that Lazarus is sick and that He needs to come home and heal him or he'll die soon. Jesus isn't really phased by this though, so He sticks around a while longer before returning. He already knows that Lazarus is dead and keeps telling the disciples that but they aren't quite getting it (probably used to Jesus speaking in parables and metaphors). When He finally gets home Mary falls at His feet, weeping, crying out that if He had only been there her brother might still be with them. And then,

Jesus wept. (vs. 35)

It's the first time John records something like this, Jesus actually crying. The Jews all said "Wow, He really loved that man." But surely Jesus wasn't truly that upset that Lazarus was reunited with God, He knew that would be a better place than this world of ours. No, I think He was crying because "some of them said, 'Could not He who opened the eyes of the blind man have kept this man from dying?'" (vs. 37). He was deeply hurting for these people because they didn't believe. They didn't get it. They didn't see that His plan was so much better, even in the midst of tragedy.

He went on to raise Lazarus from the grave, and in this act so many more souls were brought from death to life. I'm going to go with His plan rocks every single time.

He is so sovereign its insane. We can NOT escape His purposes. His perfect plan may not include bringing life back to our loved ones who are no longer with us, but He remains unchanged. Still strong and still mighty and still loving and concerned with the things that trouble our hearts and torture our souls. When we trust Him, we start to "get it" and I think that is one of His favorite things.

made for this

I think sometimes I forget that God wants us to enjoy life here on earth. I tend to overcomplicate things. I keep wondering whether or not I should apply for this internship or that job or go on a date with that boy or be friends with this girl. I don't think I should want to be young with my friends or cook yummy food or think and smile and giggle about a boy. I get so caught up in thinking that I'm not made to be in this world forever and my treasure should be in heaven and I'm really just waiting on the LORD to lead me in the way I should go. Listen, all those things are true and important and good; I just feel like I'm overlooking some pretty great things.

When God speaks the universe into existence in Genesis He sums it up with two words: very good (1:31). So here we have this big and beautiful earth complete with the sun, moon, and stars and He made is as much for our delight as He did His; and its good. Then we see Adam and he's alone and its the first time that God deems something "not good." Seems kind of silly that God would make something "not good."

I'm reading another Donald Miller book (surprise) titled "Searching for God Knows What" in which he explores the emotional aspect of God in contrast with our systematic theology. He talks all about Adam and Eve and how God made us so relational. He made man and woman to be together and to enjoy each other and to enjoy Him and His glorious world He created. Y'all, He wants to bless us and surprise us. He wants us to be happy.

Its amazing to me to see how much more I enjoy this world I'm living in when I have my eyes fixed on Jesus. When I look for fullness and life in God, I delight so much more in the relationships and things that He's given me. And I think thats how He meant for it to turn out; that we would love to live life on earth experiencing His good creation with one another. 

I see this so much more now that I've begun talking with Him out loud. I think He likes hearing our voices. Its nice because He's so close and I feel like He's sitting physically beside me and I can tell Him anything and everything anytime I want. I also think He likes hearing about the things that bring us joy in life. I feel like I can tell Him how much I love my friends or why I like to cook or why a boy can make me so happy and I don't have to be ashamed because its how He wired us.

If the greatest way we give Him glory is by the way we live in this world, then we should live like we enjoy every second of it.

half marathon

Its official: I completed my first half marathon.

I've never been good at finishing what I start. This has been something I've always told myself I wanted to do and I can check it off my bucket list! I finished with a time of 1:52:13 with an average mile pace of 8:34/mile. WHAT? It feels great to have worked hard for something and see how far I can push myself.

Lookin good after the race

13.1 glorious miles

To say I loved every second of it would be a straight up lie. But I can say that the entire time I was thanking God for two strong legs and the joy He gives me in using them. When I passed the 13 mile mark and made it into the baseball diamond for the final 0.1 miles I sprinted around those bases to home plate in tears (that is no exaggeration) because I DID IT. It was such a neat experience and I may or may not have cried multiple times in the midst of all the support along the course. Its so cool to see people encouraging loved ones to pursue their dreams and challenge themselves, not to mention how humbling it is to run alongside moms and dads and grandparents.

What an amazing picture of the Kingdom, too. You start running this race and there's no turning back and sometimes you love it and sometimes its really hard but you're pressing on toward the finish line where there's this big celebration and you realize that the journey was beautiful and worth it.

hindsight is 20/20

I would like to apologize for the lack of blogs, I'm mostly disappointed in myself for not having kept myself accountable the last few months. But in my defense, life has been insane as of late. If there's one thing I've learned this semester its that good time management does not come naturally to me. Young Life, 20 credit hours, and a job is a heck of a lot to do every week; but I'm loving every second of it.

Last weekend was fall break and I was lucky enough to be invited to the BYX formal in Charleston where I spent the first half of break. Sunday I was able to drive to Rals to be home with my family for the first time since August. I needed that desperately. Home is the only place I find true rest. 

Any time spent in Raleigh is wonderful. I love being home and in a familiar place. With familiarity comes reminders of my past. High school was rough for this girl, especially my senior year (I promise I'm not about to throw myself a pity party, just bear with me). My boyfriend of almost a year had left me heartbroken and classmates were cruel. That being said, I ate lunch alone in my car more often than I care to admit. I absolutely dreaded lunch time for that reason.

"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end." Ecclesiastes 3:11

All those days I spent eating lunch alone I would crack open my Bible and dive into scripture or journal or just talk to God. Looking back on that time when I felt like I had no genuine friends, I see now that Jesus was truly my best friend. I mean that in the least cheesy and most spiritually mature way possible. He was the first person I told anything to--doubts, hopes, fears, and dreams. We talked about the big stuff and the little things. It was without a doubt the closest I've ever been to Him. I knew intimacy with Him that I'd never known before and I was head-over-heels in love.

It took me feeling completely alone to find out how sweet and precious He is.

I've been feeling spiritually dry the past few months. If we're being honest and I know we are, theres been a lack of the Spirit in my life. Its been so long since I've heard His voice, I'm stuck in a one-sided conversation in which my side is seriously lacking effort. But I want the closeness with Him I used to know. I want to run to Him first concerning anything.

"Look to the LORD and his strength; seek his face always." Psalm 105:4

Heres to denying my flesh the privilege of going to any other human being about my experiences before I go to God. Its sure to be a challenge but I know He's far more than worth it.

depth and dependence

Happy Labor Day! Although Clemson University decided to hold classes today, its been one great weekend. A day spent with friends in Atlanta was just what the doctor ordered. The (real) tigers broke the six year Atlanta curse at the Dome with a win. Football season--arguably my favorite season--is finally here! The highlight reel is as follows:

Young Life fever in ATL

We loved having long legs for a moment

Observation deck at the Westin

I finished Blue Like Jazz finally. I'm going to go ahead and say its one of the best books I've ever read and I mean that. Donald Miller is so insightful and his writing style is right up my alley. I loved his topical take on the different aspects of Christianity. One of my favorite chapters was about love and what it looks like to truly love others.

After I repented, things were different. I was happy... I was set free. I was free to love. I didn't have to discipline anybody, I didn't have to judge anybody, I could treat everybody as though they were my best friend, as though they were rock stars or famous poets, as though they were amazing, and to me they became amazing. I could feel God's love for [them]. I loved the fact that it wasn't my responsibility to change somebody, that it was God's, that my part was just to communicate love and approval.

 When I ask for God to love people through me, thats exactly what happens. I think its so important to ask Him daily for His love to flow through us. There's no chance of me ever mustering up genuine, selfless love from inside me because I am a child of wrath born in sin. I'm learning that I have to depend on God for literally everything, and thats tremendously difficult.

Our small group is going through So Long, Insecurity together this semester. That meant small group this week was REAL heavy. It was taxing, emotionally and spiritually, to dig up the roots of our individual weaknesses and fears. Tears shed and hugs shared, we were humbled in our vulnerability and ready to face our problems head on. I think, sometimes, how insulting it must be to God that I would feel like He didn't create something beautiful when He created me; that somewhere between tubby toddler and pre-adolescent pudge He messed up. How cheated He must feel when I look for affirmation from boys or friendships or "way-to-go's" instead of the one who erased all of my shame forever. I have quite a few of these insecurities to break through, but I'm willing to bet anything that the name of Jesus holds power to break every chain.

"Christ has set us free to live a free life. So take your stand! Never again let anyone put a harness of slavery on you." Galatians 5:1

sophomore: wise fool

First day of school picture with Savvy, classic.

With three days of classes under my belt, my second year is looking pretty bright. Living in this apartment complex has proved to be an awesome experience already. My room mates Maddie, Katie, and Savannah are so fun and silly, we feed off of each other's energy. Our neighbors are great, four boys who are forever being the handy-men around here. They've been repaid in countless baked goods.

Spur-of-the-moment family dinner with the loved ones.

Life here is falling into place so quickly and so well. I'm going to my first lunch as an official Seneca High School Young Life leader. I've been nervous all week, but I'm seeing that as a positive. In my weakness He is strong. I don't want any part of me in that cafeteria today. I'm praying that He love the students through me because there is not even an ounce of genuine, good, pure love that I can muster up on my own.

The spiritual climate on this campus is insanely passionate. God's been teaching me so much through His spirit and the people He's surrounding me with. This Sunday's sermon was titled "The Big ASK Message" all about talking to people about Jesus as well as asking God to save the lost. I was so convicted and began asking God to not only point out the lost kids at Seneca High School but to show me who He wanted to love on in my classes around campus. As soon as I asked Him it was like He was dropping endless opportunities right in front of me. He's given me a second chance at a friendship that I didn't take advantage of this summer. By His grace He placed her in my life again. I'm not wasting my time anymore, souls are at stake.

You must really hate someone not to share Jesus with them.

Mr. Kowalke will never know the true wisdom in those words. Its time for me to get real about what it means to be a "fisher of men." How can I call myself a fisherman if I've never caught any fish?

"Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast." Psalm 139:7-10

I love that it is so impossible for me to escape God's sovereignty. Nothing surprises Him. Even when I slip up or make a mistake, He wrote it all in the plan. I have nothing to lose and everything to gain by simply walking in His truth.

I've been overwhelmed by His goodness. I feel like I say it constantly, but its so true! His love is so great and so deep and so vast. He made us knowing full well that He would have to save us, and He did it anyway! THAT IS THE GREATEST LOVE I'VE EVER KNOWN, Y'ALL. His grace covers me completely, totally, always. I'm ready to live like I know it.