community

So often I feel that as believers we talk about what community looks like among others that love Jesus. I find myself stuck in a "Christian bubble" that we talk about but can't seem to actually burst. God's outlined what the capital C Church is supposed to look like in Acts 2:

"They committed themselves to the teaching of the apostles, life together, common meals, and prayers. Everyone around was in awe...And all the believers lived in a wonderful harmony, holding everything in common. They sold whatever they owned and pooled their resources so that each person's need was met. They followed a daily discipline of worship followed by meals, each one a celebration, exuberant and joyful, as they praised God. People liked what they saw, and every day their number grew as God added those who were saved." 42-47 (MSG)

Generally as Jesus lovers in the college world (especially in the South) we prioritize spending most of our time with each other. Thats alright. These are formative years; the years we figure out who we are and who we want to be and where we want to go and what we want to do and how we want to impress ourselves on the World.

But we'd be lying to ourselves if we thought that believing in Christ meant being part of an exclusive club.

This is where we (Notice I said we. As in me.) fail many times in the mission field of life. We get so caught up going to our Bible studies and our small groups and our ministry meetings and being intentional with each other that we forget to be in the World.

As a Young Life leader, its my mission to be "in the World" of my high school. Almost everything I've learned about what it looks like to be in community with unbelievers I've learned from doing Young Life ministry. How can I translate what high school community looks like to college community?

In Romans 2:17-24 Paul warns us to examine what our life says about God to unbelievers. Jesus preached that our lives look markedly different from the rest of the world's. Daniel demonstrated what it looks like to love the Lord while appealing to culture while he was in the courts of King Nebuchadnezzar by opting for a vegan diet rather than lavish feasts.

I will be the first to say that I suck at living differently than unbelievers in most ways, whether thats in my speech or dating relationships or the way I treat my roommates. I'm actually the worst. The best news is that we aren't called to be perfect. We're called to be perfected in the sacrifice of Jesus.

I also think that we'd be lying if we thought that the way to love unbelievers best was to become perfect people before becoming friends with them. The beauty of community with other humans is that we share in our shortcomings, and the only advantage believers have is God's unending grace. Its our duty to share that.

Is it ok to sin? Duh no. Is it ok to screw up in order to run back into your Father's open arms? We are only human.

Be where your friends are; honor Him when you're with them; remember you don't need to save them but only love them.

10 things tuesday

rainy coloring days with friends

puppy love and puppy lovin'

beautiful Seattle architecture

giant trolls under bridges

blue skies--a gift from the best Daddy over our break

simplicity

and stopping to enjoy it

outdoor markets

coffee with this cutie five days straight

reenacting romantic relationships

the city with my favorite skyline

why I break-up with Ed daily

Monday 3:43 P.M.
Current status: sitting in a coffee shop, writing a persuasive speech on why physical education should be nationally mandated in elementary schools, munching on Kashi crackers in my new washable snack baggie
Reading: Shape of the Nation report published in 2012, Huffington Posts Healthy Living blog, Mayo Clinic's BMI calculator
Listening to: girls grabbing coffee together two tables down and gabbing about diet pills, how awful they feel about eating a cinnamon roll, and how they are going to achieve Spring break bods

I can remember a time in kindergarten when I looked down at my feet and could not see them over my toddler belly. It was the first time that I felt overweight. It was the first time that I felt like my body wasn't what it was supposed to be. I grew up in a home that bought diet books and People magazine and while they always encouraged one another concerning looks, they never had anything kind to say about their own bodies. I found myself harshly critiquing my physique in middle and high school and even more so as a college student. I'm constantly wishing that I could lose a few inches in some places and gain a few in others. In my eyes, almost every other girl has the body of a goddess and I'm the exception.

Ladies--does this sound familiar?

Its not just my story. I'm convinced that most if not all of us feel this way a majority of our life. Our culture has a skewed perception of normal when it comes to our beautiful and unique bodies.

average size woman with average size mannequin

While I've been in recovery over the last year, I've vastly improved my relationship with food and exercise. Its been 8 months since I've truly binged and longer than that since I've exercised as compensation for caloric intake. I also went a solid three months without stepping on a single scale.

I've also tried to control my weight by counting calories on and off for days or weeks at a time. I've said no to plenty of desserts and snacks only to disappoint myself by eating them anyways. I've still had days where I step on the scale more than once. I've still had days where I call my 5'4" 135 lbs. marathon runner frame fat. I've still compared my body to other girls. I still ask for affirmation from my mom and boyfriend and roommates to make sure that I'm living healthfully and living normally and living recovered.

Whether you're dealing with an eating disorder or not, growing up an American girl is no easy task; that's why I have to break up with Ed every day.

Daily I decide to listen to my body.
Daily I decide to give myself grace.
Daily I exercise my heart and mind.
Daily I let Jesus tell me that I am worth it.
Daily I try to listen to His kindness and grace.

You are strong.
You are beautiful.
You are enough.

"I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be glorified in my body, whether by life or by death." Philippians 1:20

Be kind to your body, you're a messenger after all.

returning home

For months I've been chasing something that I'll never grab hold of, searching for things that won't ever satisfy what I'm really after. To say that I've loved God well lately would be far from true, to say that Christ has been the one true love in my heart is a lie.

There have been seasons in my life that I've craved intimate time with my Jesus, seasons marked by my unashamed obsession with him and his sweet love. I think that deep down I've been craving time with him but numbed myself to that longing.

"There was a man who had two sons. The younger said to his father, 'give me my share of the estate.' So he divided his property between them. The younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living...he had spent everything." Luke 15:11-14

Here I am, completely spent; depleted any joy and strength I found in Him. I've wasted the gifts he gave me and now I'm left empty.

And yet here I sit, humiliated and helplessly searching for Him. I'm coming back to the one whose heart loves mine for all the darkness it contains, for all my shame and sin and selfishness.

"'I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your servants.'

But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him...'Let's have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and now is found!'" Luke 15:18-22

I'm sitting at my fathers feet and he kneels to sit with me. He's ready for the intimate time he's been waiting so patiently for. He's ready to sing and dance and romance me and wastes no time saying "I told you so."

That's my God, the one whom my soul loves.

in 2014 I will...

1. blog twice a month

2. do p90x (and complete all 90 days)

3. do more crossword puzzles

4. verbalize my love and appreciation for others more often

5. After returning from Haiti this summer, I mostly expected God to talk to me, to find me. I didn't put a whole lot of effort into our friendship. It was hard to go from a place that required total dependence on him in every aspect of my life and come back to the land of plenty surrounded by family and friends and comfort. I expected to keep up my new disciplines but instead fell back into old routines.

"A few days later,...the people heard that [Jesus] had come home. So many gathered that there was no room left, not even outside the door, and He preached the word to them. Some men came, bringing to him a paralytic, carried by the four of them. Since they could not get him to Jesus because of the crowd, they made an opening in the roof about Jesus and, after digging through it, lowered the mat the paralyzed man was lying on. When Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralytic, 'Son, your sins are forgiven.'" Mark 2:1-5

He deserves our best. He deserves to be fought for. He desires to be desired. Thats what makes us so like Him. We want to be fought for, to have someone break down all barriers to be with us. Sometimes it looks like cutting holes in the roof and sometimes it looks like finding a secret place to be with Him. Either way, I'm committing to that in 2014 and each year after.

comparison and gratitude

So here I am in the Columbus Airport, another holiday spent with family and filled with food. This Thanksgiving was a blast. It makes me long to be home in Rals and these next two weeks will undoubtedly feel like decades.

I think back to last holiday season and where I was one year ago. I was in the height of an eating disorder, overcome by a vicious cycle of starving and bingeing. Not only was I obsessed with food and controlling my weight, but the rest of the country was obsessed with food too. I was in Ohio for three days before I had an anxious emotional breakdown. Not to be dramatic, but I literally told Mom that I never wanted to go back to Columbus.

This year, I was able to eat normally. I didn't need to run everyday to make my calories balance out at the end of the day, nor did I desire to keep track of calories at all. Yes, I did eat pecan pie and chocolate chip cake; no, I did not binge until I was sick nor did I starve myself as punishment. 

The Lord heals, y'all. I'm living proof. I'm grateful for His miracles and I'm grateful for His fires that refine me. A heck of a lot can happen in one year, just ask ED, me, and Jesus.

50th post and upcoming adventures

Over the last several months, God has given me near complete healing in my eating disorder. I am proud to say that I haven't weighed myself since March, have stopped restricting my calories and foods, ceased counting calories and minutes spent exercising, and all my clothes still fit. Food no longer has any power over me and can no longer hurt me or bring me comfort. It is merely used for energy and satisfaction; its original intent. The LORD is so good to me, because I could not have found this freedom on my own.

"No longer will they call you Deserted, or name your land Desolate. But you will be called Hephzibah (my delight is in her) and your land Beulah (married); for the LORD will take delight in you,...as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride, so will your God rejoice over you." Isaiah 61:4+5

I see now what His delight in me looks like, and while food has taken its rightful place in my life, He's helped me to begin the process of developing a delight in the person He's made me--inside and out. Its been tough, but I think a few weeks in a culture vastly different from my own is exactly what I need to be free of these chains.

As I prepare to go on a two month tour in Haiti, I'll be keeping y'all updated on a separate blog until my return. You can find it here.

Peace and blessings until then!

perfect progress

We live in a world where almost nothing is truly linear. Nothing profound can be reduced to formula. Even simplicity has no rhyme or reason to it. I think about things I love most in life like long green grass and singing and laughing children. Even these things aren't predictable or perfect by any means.

And here I am thinking that recovery will look like a steady positive climb until I've reached the summit. I envision placing one foot in front of the other following a straight path to healing, never slipping or straying.

Diamonds are a thing of beauty. A girls best friend--why? Because they are rare, valuable, naturally brilliant. A diamond's value is based on several factors, or the four C's: carat, color, clarity, and cut. Although no diamond is absolutely perfect, the naturally more clear and colorless the stone, the pricier it gets. But scientists have found a way to make lab generated diamonds, spotless, clear, radiant--perfect. Interestingly enough, these diamonds are far less expensive than their earth-made counterparts.

Perfection just isn't valuable.

I strive for perfection daily. Whether its physical perfection, spiritual perfection, or relational perfection, it leaves me feeling empty and exhausted and disappointed when its just out of reach.

But Jesus didn't come for perfect people. He didn't even come to make us perfect. He came to love us in our complete disarray. He came to meet us here in our wounded and blemished state so He could tell us that we are far more valuable than the perfect people we try to be. He wants to fill all the gaps in our heart, complement our shortcomings, complete our fractured souls. He sees our imperfections as chances to sweetly love us. He desires us just the way we are.

"...He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6

I run this race, I fall sometimes (most times), and get up always. I won't give up or give in because the God who never once gave up on me in the midst of all the chaos gently whispers,

streams in the wasteland

Per usual, I'm going to be transparent. Don't run just yet.

Over Christmas break, it came to my attention that I've been dealing with an eating disorder for several months. I've been in an endless cycle of bingeing/fasting/excessive exercise and its not healthy. I'm sick of being sick and I'm ready to be healed. Healing for me means meeting weekly with a dietician, group therapy, and lots and lots of prayer.

Still there?

I'm not going to lie, its been exhausting on all fronts. Physically, emotionally, spiritually--I'm drained. I recently had the opportunity to talk about all of this with a good friend who dealt with the same thing for years. She encouraged me to dig into scripture and run toward Jesus. And so I found myself in Isaiah 43.

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." (vs. 1-2)

Normally this is where I stop, seeing as this was the inspiration for my tattoo (yes, I have one). This time I read through the chapter and found a few more gems.

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing!...I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland...to give drink to my people, my chosen, the people I formed for myself that they may proclaim my praise." (vs. 19-22)

My God is not one to fix what is broken, to patch us up. He's in the business of making us new and whole and perfect. He wants to heal us, his chosen.  I have to give Him this wasteland of myself daily and ask for His healing water to touch my dry and empty heart.

I'm not publishing this to throw myself a pity party. Eating disorders are no doubt partially a result of psychological problems, but if I'm being real with myself, its largely because I failed to place God first for a long long time. I've been selfishly devoted to weight, appearance, and approval for far too long. But if people don't know our sin and imperfection, how is He supposed to get any of the glory?

So thanks Jesus, for being so sweet and kind when I least deserved it and taking on my sins while I still hated you.

in 2013 I will...

• complete a sprint triathlon
• learn to speak Creole
• only weigh myself at the doctor
• not count calories
• eat for nutrition
• finish reading through the Bible
• volunteer monthly
• ask for help more
• let God delight in me
• let others delight in me
• delight in who He says I am
• challenge myself daily

Newtown, CT and why God cares

Often I assume that most of the human race is good and then someone takes a gun to an elementary school and takes peoples lives from them so suddenly and I'm surprised by it. I'm shocked to see broken people. And then I'm left standing in the aftermath asking God why He would let this happen.

I was on a run and getting overwhelmed by all of this because I hate to see humans classify other humans in order of importance. I do it to. We say to ourselves, "maybe I swear, but at least I don't look at porn" or "yeah, I tell a white lie here and there but I'm not breaking into a school shooting innocent children." We talk about how evil those people are and pretend like we're not just as capable of doing the same thing if left to our own devices.

I'm think about the Stanford Prison Experiment and I'm reminded of how much evil is inside each one of us by nature. Its the human condition. We have a disease and its called we think we know better than God.

And while I was running and my eyes were flooded with tears He grabbed me and loved me and spoke so sweetly to me the most comforting words I've ever heard.

Jesus came to love the sinner and the saint. He could perfectly view everyone around Him as equals, something I will never be able to fully understand. He was always surrounded by the tax collectors and the prostitutes and the outcasts and wanted the best for the ones who brutally beat Him. He didn't play favorites. He didn't love based on how "bad" their sin was. In fact, the people He grew the closest to were the ones who were at the bottom of the social ladder.

But I'm still stuck wondering how God can let things like this happen; why He allows children to be shot or planes to crash or the Holocaust to exist. Why does He let evil win so often?

In John 11, Jesus is out of town doing ministry with the disciples when He gets word that Lazarus is sick and that He needs to come home and heal him or he'll die soon. Jesus isn't really phased by this though, so He sticks around a while longer before returning. He already knows that Lazarus is dead and keeps telling the disciples that but they aren't quite getting it (probably used to Jesus speaking in parables and metaphors). When He finally gets home Mary falls at His feet, weeping, crying out that if He had only been there her brother might still be with them. And then,

Jesus wept. (vs. 35)

It's the first time John records something like this, Jesus actually crying. The Jews all said "Wow, He really loved that man." But surely Jesus wasn't truly that upset that Lazarus was reunited with God, He knew that would be a better place than this world of ours. No, I think He was crying because "some of them said, 'Could not He who opened the eyes of the blind man have kept this man from dying?'" (vs. 37). He was deeply hurting for these people because they didn't believe. They didn't get it. They didn't see that His plan was so much better, even in the midst of tragedy.

He went on to raise Lazarus from the grave, and in this act so many more souls were brought from death to life. I'm going to go with His plan rocks every single time.

He is so sovereign its insane. We can NOT escape His purposes. His perfect plan may not include bringing life back to our loved ones who are no longer with us, but He remains unchanged. Still strong and still mighty and still loving and concerned with the things that trouble our hearts and torture our souls. When we trust Him, we start to "get it" and I think that is one of His favorite things.

made for this

I think sometimes I forget that God wants us to enjoy life here on earth. I tend to overcomplicate things. I keep wondering whether or not I should apply for this internship or that job or go on a date with that boy or be friends with this girl. I don't think I should want to be young with my friends or cook yummy food or think and smile and giggle about a boy. I get so caught up in thinking that I'm not made to be in this world forever and my treasure should be in heaven and I'm really just waiting on the LORD to lead me in the way I should go. Listen, all those things are true and important and good; I just feel like I'm overlooking some pretty great things.

When God speaks the universe into existence in Genesis He sums it up with two words: very good (1:31). So here we have this big and beautiful earth complete with the sun, moon, and stars and He made is as much for our delight as He did His; and its good. Then we see Adam and he's alone and its the first time that God deems something "not good." Seems kind of silly that God would make something "not good."

I'm reading another Donald Miller book (surprise) titled "Searching for God Knows What" in which he explores the emotional aspect of God in contrast with our systematic theology. He talks all about Adam and Eve and how God made us so relational. He made man and woman to be together and to enjoy each other and to enjoy Him and His glorious world He created. Y'all, He wants to bless us and surprise us. He wants us to be happy.

Its amazing to me to see how much more I enjoy this world I'm living in when I have my eyes fixed on Jesus. When I look for fullness and life in God, I delight so much more in the relationships and things that He's given me. And I think thats how He meant for it to turn out; that we would love to live life on earth experiencing His good creation with one another. 

I see this so much more now that I've begun talking with Him out loud. I think He likes hearing our voices. Its nice because He's so close and I feel like He's sitting physically beside me and I can tell Him anything and everything anytime I want. I also think He likes hearing about the things that bring us joy in life. I feel like I can tell Him how much I love my friends or why I like to cook or why a boy can make me so happy and I don't have to be ashamed because its how He wired us.

If the greatest way we give Him glory is by the way we live in this world, then we should live like we enjoy every second of it.

half marathon

Its official: I completed my first half marathon.

I've never been good at finishing what I start. This has been something I've always told myself I wanted to do and I can check it off my bucket list! I finished with a time of 1:52:13 with an average mile pace of 8:34/mile. WHAT? It feels great to have worked hard for something and see how far I can push myself.

Lookin good after the race

13.1 glorious miles

To say I loved every second of it would be a straight up lie. But I can say that the entire time I was thanking God for two strong legs and the joy He gives me in using them. When I passed the 13 mile mark and made it into the baseball diamond for the final 0.1 miles I sprinted around those bases to home plate in tears (that is no exaggeration) because I DID IT. It was such a neat experience and I may or may not have cried multiple times in the midst of all the support along the course. Its so cool to see people encouraging loved ones to pursue their dreams and challenge themselves, not to mention how humbling it is to run alongside moms and dads and grandparents.

What an amazing picture of the Kingdom, too. You start running this race and there's no turning back and sometimes you love it and sometimes its really hard but you're pressing on toward the finish line where there's this big celebration and you realize that the journey was beautiful and worth it.

hindsight is 20/20

I would like to apologize for the lack of blogs, I'm mostly disappointed in myself for not having kept myself accountable the last few months. But in my defense, life has been insane as of late. If there's one thing I've learned this semester its that good time management does not come naturally to me. Young Life, 20 credit hours, and a job is a heck of a lot to do every week; but I'm loving every second of it.

Last weekend was fall break and I was lucky enough to be invited to the BYX formal in Charleston where I spent the first half of break. Sunday I was able to drive to Rals to be home with my family for the first time since August. I needed that desperately. Home is the only place I find true rest. 

Any time spent in Raleigh is wonderful. I love being home and in a familiar place. With familiarity comes reminders of my past. High school was rough for this girl, especially my senior year (I promise I'm not about to throw myself a pity party, just bear with me). My boyfriend of almost a year had left me heartbroken and classmates were cruel. That being said, I ate lunch alone in my car more often than I care to admit. I absolutely dreaded lunch time for that reason.

"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end." Ecclesiastes 3:11

All those days I spent eating lunch alone I would crack open my Bible and dive into scripture or journal or just talk to God. Looking back on that time when I felt like I had no genuine friends, I see now that Jesus was truly my best friend. I mean that in the least cheesy and most spiritually mature way possible. He was the first person I told anything to--doubts, hopes, fears, and dreams. We talked about the big stuff and the little things. It was without a doubt the closest I've ever been to Him. I knew intimacy with Him that I'd never known before and I was head-over-heels in love.

It took me feeling completely alone to find out how sweet and precious He is.

I've been feeling spiritually dry the past few months. If we're being honest and I know we are, theres been a lack of the Spirit in my life. Its been so long since I've heard His voice, I'm stuck in a one-sided conversation in which my side is seriously lacking effort. But I want the closeness with Him I used to know. I want to run to Him first concerning anything.

"Look to the LORD and his strength; seek his face always." Psalm 105:4

Heres to denying my flesh the privilege of going to any other human being about my experiences before I go to God. Its sure to be a challenge but I know He's far more than worth it.

depth and dependence

Happy Labor Day! Although Clemson University decided to hold classes today, its been one great weekend. A day spent with friends in Atlanta was just what the doctor ordered. The (real) tigers broke the six year Atlanta curse at the Dome with a win. Football season--arguably my favorite season--is finally here! The highlight reel is as follows:

Young Life fever in ATL

We loved having long legs for a moment

Observation deck at the Westin

I finished Blue Like Jazz finally. I'm going to go ahead and say its one of the best books I've ever read and I mean that. Donald Miller is so insightful and his writing style is right up my alley. I loved his topical take on the different aspects of Christianity. One of my favorite chapters was about love and what it looks like to truly love others.

After I repented, things were different. I was happy... I was set free. I was free to love. I didn't have to discipline anybody, I didn't have to judge anybody, I could treat everybody as though they were my best friend, as though they were rock stars or famous poets, as though they were amazing, and to me they became amazing. I could feel God's love for [them]. I loved the fact that it wasn't my responsibility to change somebody, that it was God's, that my part was just to communicate love and approval.

 When I ask for God to love people through me, thats exactly what happens. I think its so important to ask Him daily for His love to flow through us. There's no chance of me ever mustering up genuine, selfless love from inside me because I am a child of wrath born in sin. I'm learning that I have to depend on God for literally everything, and thats tremendously difficult.

Our small group is going through So Long, Insecurity together this semester. That meant small group this week was REAL heavy. It was taxing, emotionally and spiritually, to dig up the roots of our individual weaknesses and fears. Tears shed and hugs shared, we were humbled in our vulnerability and ready to face our problems head on. I think, sometimes, how insulting it must be to God that I would feel like He didn't create something beautiful when He created me; that somewhere between tubby toddler and pre-adolescent pudge He messed up. How cheated He must feel when I look for affirmation from boys or friendships or "way-to-go's" instead of the one who erased all of my shame forever. I have quite a few of these insecurities to break through, but I'm willing to bet anything that the name of Jesus holds power to break every chain.

"Christ has set us free to live a free life. So take your stand! Never again let anyone put a harness of slavery on you." Galatians 5:1

sophomore: wise fool

First day of school picture with Savvy, classic.

With three days of classes under my belt, my second year is looking pretty bright. Living in this apartment complex has proved to be an awesome experience already. My room mates Maddie, Katie, and Savannah are so fun and silly, we feed off of each other's energy. Our neighbors are great, four boys who are forever being the handy-men around here. They've been repaid in countless baked goods.

Spur-of-the-moment family dinner with the loved ones.

Life here is falling into place so quickly and so well. I'm going to my first lunch as an official Seneca High School Young Life leader. I've been nervous all week, but I'm seeing that as a positive. In my weakness He is strong. I don't want any part of me in that cafeteria today. I'm praying that He love the students through me because there is not even an ounce of genuine, good, pure love that I can muster up on my own.

The spiritual climate on this campus is insanely passionate. God's been teaching me so much through His spirit and the people He's surrounding me with. This Sunday's sermon was titled "The Big ASK Message" all about talking to people about Jesus as well as asking God to save the lost. I was so convicted and began asking God to not only point out the lost kids at Seneca High School but to show me who He wanted to love on in my classes around campus. As soon as I asked Him it was like He was dropping endless opportunities right in front of me. He's given me a second chance at a friendship that I didn't take advantage of this summer. By His grace He placed her in my life again. I'm not wasting my time anymore, souls are at stake.

You must really hate someone not to share Jesus with them.

Mr. Kowalke will never know the true wisdom in those words. Its time for me to get real about what it means to be a "fisher of men." How can I call myself a fisherman if I've never caught any fish?

"Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast." Psalm 139:7-10

I love that it is so impossible for me to escape God's sovereignty. Nothing surprises Him. Even when I slip up or make a mistake, He wrote it all in the plan. I have nothing to lose and everything to gain by simply walking in His truth.

I've been overwhelmed by His goodness. I feel like I say it constantly, but its so true! His love is so great and so deep and so vast. He made us knowing full well that He would have to save us, and He did it anyway! THAT IS THE GREATEST LOVE I'VE EVER KNOWN, Y'ALL. His grace covers me completely, totally, always. I'm ready to live like I know it.

after Haiti

It only took 11 days.


Here I am sitting in Sola Cafe forever impacted by the Haitians, hands down the most life-changing week and a half of my life. God taught me so much in so little time. He showed me His goodness and His sweet nature daily, whether it was through the children, the sunset, or the love of my teammates.

I fell in love with the kids. We visited a few villages and I was amazed that each time children would come running out of their homes to play with us.

Children's home in Chambrun

Kids loved the camera

Windell, cutest child I've ever met

Sweet Haitian baby who loved my eyelashes

Other than hanging out with the kids at the children's home in Chambrun, we worked on some buildings on the compound at Nehemiah Vision Ministries. They are in the process of building two new children's homes that will house 64 kids altogether.

Sanding concrete walls with my best friend

We helped out with an ESL summer camp for the kids Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Monday. It was an awesome way to integrate my God-given passions into the missions work we were doing. I assisted with the learning activities for a day which was super fun. I hung out with the oldest group of campers (14+ year olds) which was out of my comfort zone; I ended up loving the sassy teenaged girls. It was so cool to see that they liked the same things I did (boys, clothes, Rihanna, etc.).

Lolika, too cute

All my ladies: Poo Poo, Stania, Maritzard, and Melissa

Berline was killing this photo shoot

On our last full day abroad we helped conduct a vision clinic in Onaville. We tested near and far vision and gave out glasses to the ones who needed them. We gave out 154 pairs of eyeglasses and saw 28 people cross over from death to life by the power of Jesus. HOW INCREDIBLE.

Running the focometer with a Haitian translator

We had time every night to worship and dive into Paul's epistles one by one. The Word of God is so powerful and I was constantly reminded of how important it is to eat it up daily. I couldn't have asked for a better team to serve with. I was so encouraged by everyone's hard work and hunger for the LORD; and beyond that, they were a blast.

The world became so small the minute I set foot in Chambrun. The thought of true poverty went from head to heart as I held starving children. For so long I forgot that people outside the United States existed. For so long I pictured God as an American God. Hearing Haitians and Americans praise God simultaneously in Creole and English gave me a taste of what Heaven will be like. It was amazing to see joy in genuine worship and reckless abandon as a church body.

God's calling me back to that special place, and He has big plans ahead.

before Haiti

crafts, love, and banana blueberry muffins

work shouldn't be this fun

Its been a while since I've last posted, thus I failed to complete my June goal to blog weekly (only at the end thankfully). Perhaps the most memorable moments of the past two weeks were spent with Megan during her weekend stay in Rals. I loved being with her for a few days, showing her around the city, exploring, and catching up. I forget sometimes how much I appreciate her friendship. Other than working, I've been running, baking, and crafting. Not much has changed. As for my goal to read three books by July, yeah that one flopped too. But I did get started and almost finished with a few books.

As for God and myself, I'd be lying to say we were super close right now. I feel really distant. Relationships ebb and flow, thats natural. In these last few days, though, I've been struggling with the condition of my heart in preparation for this trip to Haiti. I feel like there is no possible way that I could have the capacity to love the Haitians more than I love myself. Donald Miller writes in his book Blue Like Jazz,

The most difficult lie I have ever contended with is this: life is a story about me.

How often can I possibly think about me in 24 hours. I'll give you a hint, ITS ALL THE TIME. I'm concerned. I'm scared I won't let go long enough to let God's love permeate my soul to show His love to the people I'll meet these next 11 days. My brain keeps playing through the "what ifs." I don't want to go seeking glory for myself.

If I really believe in a God who can transform lives, then I need to start living like it. I have to trust that even in a short plane ride He can mold and shape this clay heart into a vessel ready to pour out His sweet, sweet truth. Here's to showing the love of Jesus to Haiti and here's to God showing himself through our experiences.

holiness

Happy Wednesday! So I called in sick today, which means I've had lots of time to catch up on things at home. Today marks the day of Macy's birth 19 solid years ago, what an amazing lady. I'm so thankful for her friendship. Current status concerning summer reading:
The Hunger Games-completed
So Long, Insecurity-pg. 151 of 346
Blue Like Jazz-pg. 13 of 240
I'd say its coming along quite nicely. Megan is visiting this weekend, which means lots of coffee outings and play time outside. My kids at work are still wonderful and cute in every way, but also challenging at times. Absolutely loving them to death though.

I'm seeing God work in magnificent ways lately. Once again He's proven to me that He can take this messy, sinful heart of mine and use it for His glory. How do I always forget that His plan accounts for all my sin and all my mistakes? Its like, duh, I'm going to mess up, but He knew that already. It was also a huge reminder to constantly tune into the Spirit; to take a step of faith when He prompts you. Be real about your struggles; be real about His victories. Remember that you are not the only one who's sinned the way you have.

"No temptation has seized you except what is common to man..." 1 Cor. 10:13a

After an awesome conversation with McCready (aforementioned "Macy") last night, He also reminded me that when we respond to the Spirit and say or do what He tells us to, we shouldn't worry about the results. If we obey, our work is finished; the outcome is out of our hands, whether that means a positive, negative, or indifferent response.

Story time! While waiting to clock-in Tuesday morning, a co-worker/friend and I were chatting at our cars and He noticed I was reading Blue Like Jazz. When I explained to him what it was about ("Nonreligious Thoughts on Christian Spirituality") his response was, "wait, you're a Christian?"

Ouch.


Sucker punch in the gut. I'm sick to my stomach just typing this. As believers we are called to "be holy because [He is] holy" (Leviticus 19:2). That's a command, y'all. Holy. Set apart. Different. If someone has to ask, I'm not doing my job. Mark 6:12 says the disciples "went out preaching with joyful urgency that life can be radically different." I want passion like that. Jesus and I are going to be working on that. I hope I never get asked that question again, but boy, am I grateful for that humbling wake-up call. I'm asking Him to show me how to be holy in this lost world without radiating an abrasive, prideful air. Please please please, humility in EVERYTHING, God.

be the light

my weekend in photos: Lady A, Komen 5K, crafting for the apartment, and FDC 2012

Sometimes I forget how truly blessed I am. I'm currently at SOLA Coffee (dare I say I like it better than Jubala, judge me) after having a morning date with Molly, what an amazing girl. Camp starts in t-minus 40 minutes and I couldn't be more stoked. I've started two of the three books I plan to read this month, The Hunger Games and So Long, Insecurity and I highly recommend both of them to anyone. Fantastic reads.

Its interesting that Finley Day Camp's theme for the summer is "Be the Light." Its been neat realizing what God intends for us to do as believers. He calls us to go and make disciples (Matt. 28:19) which requires us to GO, to be the light in a dark, dark world. The Holy Spirit really convicted me Sunday after Pastor Chuck preached about that same idea. Too often, mostly out of comfort, I stay in my Christian bubble. To that I'd say, who's going to meet Jesus? That's no way to obey what He has clearly commanded us to do. I'm so looking forward to what He's about to do in the next few weeks. I'm praying that He'll give me words of truth and love to speak into receptive, open ears. I'm praying that as I take this journey, I won't be discouraged when I don't see immediate results. I'm praying that I'm in tune with the Spirit and that at the end He says, "Well done."

I've been all up in 2 Samuel this week, so David is the star of the show. Its crazy to see just how quickly David lets his guard down and his sin snowballs out of control; and, whether we like it or not, God never fails to show us where we mess up. The best news: God still loves him and blesses him beyond belief. I'm really thankful that God can point out the sin in our lives and if we let him, he can uproot it on the spot. It hurts to fall. A lot. But how much sweeter is the victory when we let God pick us back up and set us back on track? Beth Moore writes,

Maybe we’re all just sick to death of taking three steps forward and two steps back. Call me a math wizard, but isn’t that still one step forward?...And if we don’t lose that ground, aren’t we on our way somewhere new? Willing to take three more steps—even if we lose two?

In Christ, we have no fear of failure. How wonderful is it to have a Father who eternally wants to see us grow and succeed?