streams in the wasteland

Per usual, I'm going to be transparent. Don't run just yet.

Over Christmas break, it came to my attention that I've been dealing with an eating disorder for several months. I've been in an endless cycle of bingeing/fasting/excessive exercise and its not healthy. I'm sick of being sick and I'm ready to be healed. Healing for me means meeting weekly with a dietician, group therapy, and lots and lots of prayer.

Still there?

I'm not going to lie, its been exhausting on all fronts. Physically, emotionally, spiritually--I'm drained. I recently had the opportunity to talk about all of this with a good friend who dealt with the same thing for years. She encouraged me to dig into scripture and run toward Jesus. And so I found myself in Isaiah 43.

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." (vs. 1-2)

Normally this is where I stop, seeing as this was the inspiration for my tattoo (yes, I have one). This time I read through the chapter and found a few more gems.

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing!...I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland...to give drink to my people, my chosen, the people I formed for myself that they may proclaim my praise." (vs. 19-22)

My God is not one to fix what is broken, to patch us up. He's in the business of making us new and whole and perfect. He wants to heal us, his chosen.  I have to give Him this wasteland of myself daily and ask for His healing water to touch my dry and empty heart.

I'm not publishing this to throw myself a pity party. Eating disorders are no doubt partially a result of psychological problems, but if I'm being real with myself, its largely because I failed to place God first for a long long time. I've been selfishly devoted to weight, appearance, and approval for far too long. But if people don't know our sin and imperfection, how is He supposed to get any of the glory?

So thanks Jesus, for being so sweet and kind when I least deserved it and taking on my sins while I still hated you.