50th post and upcoming adventures

Over the last several months, God has given me near complete healing in my eating disorder. I am proud to say that I haven't weighed myself since March, have stopped restricting my calories and foods, ceased counting calories and minutes spent exercising, and all my clothes still fit. Food no longer has any power over me and can no longer hurt me or bring me comfort. It is merely used for energy and satisfaction; its original intent. The LORD is so good to me, because I could not have found this freedom on my own.

"No longer will they call you Deserted, or name your land Desolate. But you will be called Hephzibah (my delight is in her) and your land Beulah (married); for the LORD will take delight in you,...as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride, so will your God rejoice over you." Isaiah 61:4+5

I see now what His delight in me looks like, and while food has taken its rightful place in my life, He's helped me to begin the process of developing a delight in the person He's made me--inside and out. Its been tough, but I think a few weeks in a culture vastly different from my own is exactly what I need to be free of these chains.

As I prepare to go on a two month tour in Haiti, I'll be keeping y'all updated on a separate blog until my return. You can find it here.

Peace and blessings until then!

perfect progress

We live in a world where almost nothing is truly linear. Nothing profound can be reduced to formula. Even simplicity has no rhyme or reason to it. I think about things I love most in life like long green grass and singing and laughing children. Even these things aren't predictable or perfect by any means.

And here I am thinking that recovery will look like a steady positive climb until I've reached the summit. I envision placing one foot in front of the other following a straight path to healing, never slipping or straying.

Diamonds are a thing of beauty. A girls best friend--why? Because they are rare, valuable, naturally brilliant. A diamond's value is based on several factors, or the four C's: carat, color, clarity, and cut. Although no diamond is absolutely perfect, the naturally more clear and colorless the stone, the pricier it gets. But scientists have found a way to make lab generated diamonds, spotless, clear, radiant--perfect. Interestingly enough, these diamonds are far less expensive than their earth-made counterparts.

Perfection just isn't valuable.

I strive for perfection daily. Whether its physical perfection, spiritual perfection, or relational perfection, it leaves me feeling empty and exhausted and disappointed when its just out of reach.

But Jesus didn't come for perfect people. He didn't even come to make us perfect. He came to love us in our complete disarray. He came to meet us here in our wounded and blemished state so He could tell us that we are far more valuable than the perfect people we try to be. He wants to fill all the gaps in our heart, complement our shortcomings, complete our fractured souls. He sees our imperfections as chances to sweetly love us. He desires us just the way we are.

"...He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6

I run this race, I fall sometimes (most times), and get up always. I won't give up or give in because the God who never once gave up on me in the midst of all the chaos gently whispers,

streams in the wasteland

Per usual, I'm going to be transparent. Don't run just yet.

Over Christmas break, it came to my attention that I've been dealing with an eating disorder for several months. I've been in an endless cycle of bingeing/fasting/excessive exercise and its not healthy. I'm sick of being sick and I'm ready to be healed. Healing for me means meeting weekly with a dietician, group therapy, and lots and lots of prayer.

Still there?

I'm not going to lie, its been exhausting on all fronts. Physically, emotionally, spiritually--I'm drained. I recently had the opportunity to talk about all of this with a good friend who dealt with the same thing for years. She encouraged me to dig into scripture and run toward Jesus. And so I found myself in Isaiah 43.

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." (vs. 1-2)

Normally this is where I stop, seeing as this was the inspiration for my tattoo (yes, I have one). This time I read through the chapter and found a few more gems.

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing!...I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland...to give drink to my people, my chosen, the people I formed for myself that they may proclaim my praise." (vs. 19-22)

My God is not one to fix what is broken, to patch us up. He's in the business of making us new and whole and perfect. He wants to heal us, his chosen.  I have to give Him this wasteland of myself daily and ask for His healing water to touch my dry and empty heart.

I'm not publishing this to throw myself a pity party. Eating disorders are no doubt partially a result of psychological problems, but if I'm being real with myself, its largely because I failed to place God first for a long long time. I've been selfishly devoted to weight, appearance, and approval for far too long. But if people don't know our sin and imperfection, how is He supposed to get any of the glory?

So thanks Jesus, for being so sweet and kind when I least deserved it and taking on my sins while I still hated you.

in 2013 I will...

• complete a sprint triathlon
• learn to speak Creole
• only weigh myself at the doctor
• not count calories
• eat for nutrition
• finish reading through the Bible
• volunteer monthly
• ask for help more
• let God delight in me
• let others delight in me
• delight in who He says I am
• challenge myself daily

Newtown, CT and why God cares

Often I assume that most of the human race is good and then someone takes a gun to an elementary school and takes peoples lives from them so suddenly and I'm surprised by it. I'm shocked to see broken people. And then I'm left standing in the aftermath asking God why He would let this happen.

I was on a run and getting overwhelmed by all of this because I hate to see humans classify other humans in order of importance. I do it to. We say to ourselves, "maybe I swear, but at least I don't look at porn" or "yeah, I tell a white lie here and there but I'm not breaking into a school shooting innocent children." We talk about how evil those people are and pretend like we're not just as capable of doing the same thing if left to our own devices.

I'm think about the Stanford Prison Experiment and I'm reminded of how much evil is inside each one of us by nature. Its the human condition. We have a disease and its called we think we know better than God.

And while I was running and my eyes were flooded with tears He grabbed me and loved me and spoke so sweetly to me the most comforting words I've ever heard.

Jesus came to love the sinner and the saint. He could perfectly view everyone around Him as equals, something I will never be able to fully understand. He was always surrounded by the tax collectors and the prostitutes and the outcasts and wanted the best for the ones who brutally beat Him. He didn't play favorites. He didn't love based on how "bad" their sin was. In fact, the people He grew the closest to were the ones who were at the bottom of the social ladder.

But I'm still stuck wondering how God can let things like this happen; why He allows children to be shot or planes to crash or the Holocaust to exist. Why does He let evil win so often?

In John 11, Jesus is out of town doing ministry with the disciples when He gets word that Lazarus is sick and that He needs to come home and heal him or he'll die soon. Jesus isn't really phased by this though, so He sticks around a while longer before returning. He already knows that Lazarus is dead and keeps telling the disciples that but they aren't quite getting it (probably used to Jesus speaking in parables and metaphors). When He finally gets home Mary falls at His feet, weeping, crying out that if He had only been there her brother might still be with them. And then,

Jesus wept. (vs. 35)

It's the first time John records something like this, Jesus actually crying. The Jews all said "Wow, He really loved that man." But surely Jesus wasn't truly that upset that Lazarus was reunited with God, He knew that would be a better place than this world of ours. No, I think He was crying because "some of them said, 'Could not He who opened the eyes of the blind man have kept this man from dying?'" (vs. 37). He was deeply hurting for these people because they didn't believe. They didn't get it. They didn't see that His plan was so much better, even in the midst of tragedy.

He went on to raise Lazarus from the grave, and in this act so many more souls were brought from death to life. I'm going to go with His plan rocks every single time.

He is so sovereign its insane. We can NOT escape His purposes. His perfect plan may not include bringing life back to our loved ones who are no longer with us, but He remains unchanged. Still strong and still mighty and still loving and concerned with the things that trouble our hearts and torture our souls. When we trust Him, we start to "get it" and I think that is one of His favorite things.

made for this

I think sometimes I forget that God wants us to enjoy life here on earth. I tend to overcomplicate things. I keep wondering whether or not I should apply for this internship or that job or go on a date with that boy or be friends with this girl. I don't think I should want to be young with my friends or cook yummy food or think and smile and giggle about a boy. I get so caught up in thinking that I'm not made to be in this world forever and my treasure should be in heaven and I'm really just waiting on the LORD to lead me in the way I should go. Listen, all those things are true and important and good; I just feel like I'm overlooking some pretty great things.

When God speaks the universe into existence in Genesis He sums it up with two words: very good (1:31). So here we have this big and beautiful earth complete with the sun, moon, and stars and He made is as much for our delight as He did His; and its good. Then we see Adam and he's alone and its the first time that God deems something "not good." Seems kind of silly that God would make something "not good."

I'm reading another Donald Miller book (surprise) titled "Searching for God Knows What" in which he explores the emotional aspect of God in contrast with our systematic theology. He talks all about Adam and Eve and how God made us so relational. He made man and woman to be together and to enjoy each other and to enjoy Him and His glorious world He created. Y'all, He wants to bless us and surprise us. He wants us to be happy.

Its amazing to me to see how much more I enjoy this world I'm living in when I have my eyes fixed on Jesus. When I look for fullness and life in God, I delight so much more in the relationships and things that He's given me. And I think thats how He meant for it to turn out; that we would love to live life on earth experiencing His good creation with one another. 

I see this so much more now that I've begun talking with Him out loud. I think He likes hearing our voices. Its nice because He's so close and I feel like He's sitting physically beside me and I can tell Him anything and everything anytime I want. I also think He likes hearing about the things that bring us joy in life. I feel like I can tell Him how much I love my friends or why I like to cook or why a boy can make me so happy and I don't have to be ashamed because its how He wired us.

If the greatest way we give Him glory is by the way we live in this world, then we should live like we enjoy every second of it.

half marathon

Its official: I completed my first half marathon.

I've never been good at finishing what I start. This has been something I've always told myself I wanted to do and I can check it off my bucket list! I finished with a time of 1:52:13 with an average mile pace of 8:34/mile. WHAT? It feels great to have worked hard for something and see how far I can push myself.

Lookin good after the race

13.1 glorious miles

To say I loved every second of it would be a straight up lie. But I can say that the entire time I was thanking God for two strong legs and the joy He gives me in using them. When I passed the 13 mile mark and made it into the baseball diamond for the final 0.1 miles I sprinted around those bases to home plate in tears (that is no exaggeration) because I DID IT. It was such a neat experience and I may or may not have cried multiple times in the midst of all the support along the course. Its so cool to see people encouraging loved ones to pursue their dreams and challenge themselves, not to mention how humbling it is to run alongside moms and dads and grandparents.

What an amazing picture of the Kingdom, too. You start running this race and there's no turning back and sometimes you love it and sometimes its really hard but you're pressing on toward the finish line where there's this big celebration and you realize that the journey was beautiful and worth it.