why I break-up with Ed daily

Monday 3:43 P.M.
Current status: sitting in a coffee shop, writing a persuasive speech on why physical education should be nationally mandated in elementary schools, munching on Kashi crackers in my new washable snack baggie
Reading: Shape of the Nation report published in 2012, Huffington Posts Healthy Living blog, Mayo Clinic's BMI calculator
Listening to: girls grabbing coffee together two tables down and gabbing about diet pills, how awful they feel about eating a cinnamon roll, and how they are going to achieve Spring break bods

I can remember a time in kindergarten when I looked down at my feet and could not see them over my toddler belly. It was the first time that I felt overweight. It was the first time that I felt like my body wasn't what it was supposed to be. I grew up in a home that bought diet books and People magazine and while they always encouraged one another concerning looks, they never had anything kind to say about their own bodies. I found myself harshly critiquing my physique in middle and high school and even more so as a college student. I'm constantly wishing that I could lose a few inches in some places and gain a few in others. In my eyes, almost every other girl has the body of a goddess and I'm the exception.

Ladies--does this sound familiar?

Its not just my story. I'm convinced that most if not all of us feel this way a majority of our life. Our culture has a skewed perception of normal when it comes to our beautiful and unique bodies.

average size woman with average size mannequin

While I've been in recovery over the last year, I've vastly improved my relationship with food and exercise. Its been 8 months since I've truly binged and longer than that since I've exercised as compensation for caloric intake. I also went a solid three months without stepping on a single scale.

I've also tried to control my weight by counting calories on and off for days or weeks at a time. I've said no to plenty of desserts and snacks only to disappoint myself by eating them anyways. I've still had days where I step on the scale more than once. I've still had days where I call my 5'4" 135 lbs. marathon runner frame fat. I've still compared my body to other girls. I still ask for affirmation from my mom and boyfriend and roommates to make sure that I'm living healthfully and living normally and living recovered.

Whether you're dealing with an eating disorder or not, growing up an American girl is no easy task; that's why I have to break up with Ed every day.

Daily I decide to listen to my body.
Daily I decide to give myself grace.
Daily I exercise my heart and mind.
Daily I let Jesus tell me that I am worth it.
Daily I try to listen to His kindness and grace.

You are strong.
You are beautiful.
You are enough.

"I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be glorified in my body, whether by life or by death." Philippians 1:20

Be kind to your body, you're a messenger after all.

returning home

For months I've been chasing something that I'll never grab hold of, searching for things that won't ever satisfy what I'm really after. To say that I've loved God well lately would be far from true, to say that Christ has been the one true love in my heart is a lie.

There have been seasons in my life that I've craved intimate time with my Jesus, seasons marked by my unashamed obsession with him and his sweet love. I think that deep down I've been craving time with him but numbed myself to that longing.

"There was a man who had two sons. The younger said to his father, 'give me my share of the estate.' So he divided his property between them. The younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living...he had spent everything." Luke 15:11-14

Here I am, completely spent; depleted any joy and strength I found in Him. I've wasted the gifts he gave me and now I'm left empty.

And yet here I sit, humiliated and helplessly searching for Him. I'm coming back to the one whose heart loves mine for all the darkness it contains, for all my shame and sin and selfishness.

"'I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your servants.'

But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him...'Let's have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and now is found!'" Luke 15:18-22

I'm sitting at my fathers feet and he kneels to sit with me. He's ready for the intimate time he's been waiting so patiently for. He's ready to sing and dance and romance me and wastes no time saying "I told you so."

That's my God, the one whom my soul loves.

in 2014 I will...

1. blog twice a month

2. do p90x (and complete all 90 days)

3. do more crossword puzzles

4. verbalize my love and appreciation for others more often

5. After returning from Haiti this summer, I mostly expected God to talk to me, to find me. I didn't put a whole lot of effort into our friendship. It was hard to go from a place that required total dependence on him in every aspect of my life and come back to the land of plenty surrounded by family and friends and comfort. I expected to keep up my new disciplines but instead fell back into old routines.

"A few days later,...the people heard that [Jesus] had come home. So many gathered that there was no room left, not even outside the door, and He preached the word to them. Some men came, bringing to him a paralytic, carried by the four of them. Since they could not get him to Jesus because of the crowd, they made an opening in the roof about Jesus and, after digging through it, lowered the mat the paralyzed man was lying on. When Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralytic, 'Son, your sins are forgiven.'" Mark 2:1-5

He deserves our best. He deserves to be fought for. He desires to be desired. Thats what makes us so like Him. We want to be fought for, to have someone break down all barriers to be with us. Sometimes it looks like cutting holes in the roof and sometimes it looks like finding a secret place to be with Him. Either way, I'm committing to that in 2014 and each year after.

comparison and gratitude

So here I am in the Columbus Airport, another holiday spent with family and filled with food. This Thanksgiving was a blast. It makes me long to be home in Rals and these next two weeks will undoubtedly feel like decades.

I think back to last holiday season and where I was one year ago. I was in the height of an eating disorder, overcome by a vicious cycle of starving and bingeing. Not only was I obsessed with food and controlling my weight, but the rest of the country was obsessed with food too. I was in Ohio for three days before I had an anxious emotional breakdown. Not to be dramatic, but I literally told Mom that I never wanted to go back to Columbus.

This year, I was able to eat normally. I didn't need to run everyday to make my calories balance out at the end of the day, nor did I desire to keep track of calories at all. Yes, I did eat pecan pie and chocolate chip cake; no, I did not binge until I was sick nor did I starve myself as punishment. 

The Lord heals, y'all. I'm living proof. I'm grateful for His miracles and I'm grateful for His fires that refine me. A heck of a lot can happen in one year, just ask ED, me, and Jesus.

50th post and upcoming adventures

Over the last several months, God has given me near complete healing in my eating disorder. I am proud to say that I haven't weighed myself since March, have stopped restricting my calories and foods, ceased counting calories and minutes spent exercising, and all my clothes still fit. Food no longer has any power over me and can no longer hurt me or bring me comfort. It is merely used for energy and satisfaction; its original intent. The LORD is so good to me, because I could not have found this freedom on my own.

"No longer will they call you Deserted, or name your land Desolate. But you will be called Hephzibah (my delight is in her) and your land Beulah (married); for the LORD will take delight in you,...as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride, so will your God rejoice over you." Isaiah 61:4+5

I see now what His delight in me looks like, and while food has taken its rightful place in my life, He's helped me to begin the process of developing a delight in the person He's made me--inside and out. Its been tough, but I think a few weeks in a culture vastly different from my own is exactly what I need to be free of these chains.

As I prepare to go on a two month tour in Haiti, I'll be keeping y'all updated on a separate blog until my return. You can find it here.

Peace and blessings until then!

perfect progress

We live in a world where almost nothing is truly linear. Nothing profound can be reduced to formula. Even simplicity has no rhyme or reason to it. I think about things I love most in life like long green grass and singing and laughing children. Even these things aren't predictable or perfect by any means.

And here I am thinking that recovery will look like a steady positive climb until I've reached the summit. I envision placing one foot in front of the other following a straight path to healing, never slipping or straying.

Diamonds are a thing of beauty. A girls best friend--why? Because they are rare, valuable, naturally brilliant. A diamond's value is based on several factors, or the four C's: carat, color, clarity, and cut. Although no diamond is absolutely perfect, the naturally more clear and colorless the stone, the pricier it gets. But scientists have found a way to make lab generated diamonds, spotless, clear, radiant--perfect. Interestingly enough, these diamonds are far less expensive than their earth-made counterparts.

Perfection just isn't valuable.

I strive for perfection daily. Whether its physical perfection, spiritual perfection, or relational perfection, it leaves me feeling empty and exhausted and disappointed when its just out of reach.

But Jesus didn't come for perfect people. He didn't even come to make us perfect. He came to love us in our complete disarray. He came to meet us here in our wounded and blemished state so He could tell us that we are far more valuable than the perfect people we try to be. He wants to fill all the gaps in our heart, complement our shortcomings, complete our fractured souls. He sees our imperfections as chances to sweetly love us. He desires us just the way we are.

"...He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6

I run this race, I fall sometimes (most times), and get up always. I won't give up or give in because the God who never once gave up on me in the midst of all the chaos gently whispers,

streams in the wasteland

Per usual, I'm going to be transparent. Don't run just yet.

Over Christmas break, it came to my attention that I've been dealing with an eating disorder for several months. I've been in an endless cycle of bingeing/fasting/excessive exercise and its not healthy. I'm sick of being sick and I'm ready to be healed. Healing for me means meeting weekly with a dietician, group therapy, and lots and lots of prayer.

Still there?

I'm not going to lie, its been exhausting on all fronts. Physically, emotionally, spiritually--I'm drained. I recently had the opportunity to talk about all of this with a good friend who dealt with the same thing for years. She encouraged me to dig into scripture and run toward Jesus. And so I found myself in Isaiah 43.

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." (vs. 1-2)

Normally this is where I stop, seeing as this was the inspiration for my tattoo (yes, I have one). This time I read through the chapter and found a few more gems.

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing!...I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland...to give drink to my people, my chosen, the people I formed for myself that they may proclaim my praise." (vs. 19-22)

My God is not one to fix what is broken, to patch us up. He's in the business of making us new and whole and perfect. He wants to heal us, his chosen.  I have to give Him this wasteland of myself daily and ask for His healing water to touch my dry and empty heart.

I'm not publishing this to throw myself a pity party. Eating disorders are no doubt partially a result of psychological problems, but if I'm being real with myself, its largely because I failed to place God first for a long long time. I've been selfishly devoted to weight, appearance, and approval for far too long. But if people don't know our sin and imperfection, how is He supposed to get any of the glory?

So thanks Jesus, for being so sweet and kind when I least deserved it and taking on my sins while I still hated you.