community

So often I feel that as believers we talk about what community looks like among others that love Jesus. I find myself stuck in a "Christian bubble" that we talk about but can't seem to actually burst. God's outlined what the capital C Church is supposed to look like in Acts 2:

"They committed themselves to the teaching of the apostles, life together, common meals, and prayers. Everyone around was in awe...And all the believers lived in a wonderful harmony, holding everything in common. They sold whatever they owned and pooled their resources so that each person's need was met. They followed a daily discipline of worship followed by meals, each one a celebration, exuberant and joyful, as they praised God. People liked what they saw, and every day their number grew as God added those who were saved." 42-47 (MSG)

Generally as Jesus lovers in the college world (especially in the South) we prioritize spending most of our time with each other. Thats alright. These are formative years; the years we figure out who we are and who we want to be and where we want to go and what we want to do and how we want to impress ourselves on the World.

But we'd be lying to ourselves if we thought that believing in Christ meant being part of an exclusive club.

This is where we (Notice I said we. As in me.) fail many times in the mission field of life. We get so caught up going to our Bible studies and our small groups and our ministry meetings and being intentional with each other that we forget to be in the World.

As a Young Life leader, its my mission to be "in the World" of my high school. Almost everything I've learned about what it looks like to be in community with unbelievers I've learned from doing Young Life ministry. How can I translate what high school community looks like to college community?

In Romans 2:17-24 Paul warns us to examine what our life says about God to unbelievers. Jesus preached that our lives look markedly different from the rest of the world's. Daniel demonstrated what it looks like to love the Lord while appealing to culture while he was in the courts of King Nebuchadnezzar by opting for a vegan diet rather than lavish feasts.

I will be the first to say that I suck at living differently than unbelievers in most ways, whether thats in my speech or dating relationships or the way I treat my roommates. I'm actually the worst. The best news is that we aren't called to be perfect. We're called to be perfected in the sacrifice of Jesus.

I also think that we'd be lying if we thought that the way to love unbelievers best was to become perfect people before becoming friends with them. The beauty of community with other humans is that we share in our shortcomings, and the only advantage believers have is God's unending grace. Its our duty to share that.

Is it ok to sin? Duh no. Is it ok to screw up in order to run back into your Father's open arms? We are only human.

Be where your friends are; honor Him when you're with them; remember you don't need to save them but only love them.

10 things tuesday

rainy coloring days with friends

puppy love and puppy lovin'

beautiful Seattle architecture

giant trolls under bridges

blue skies--a gift from the best Daddy over our break

simplicity

and stopping to enjoy it

outdoor markets

coffee with this cutie five days straight

reenacting romantic relationships

the city with my favorite skyline

why I break-up with Ed daily

Monday 3:43 P.M.
Current status: sitting in a coffee shop, writing a persuasive speech on why physical education should be nationally mandated in elementary schools, munching on Kashi crackers in my new washable snack baggie
Reading: Shape of the Nation report published in 2012, Huffington Posts Healthy Living blog, Mayo Clinic's BMI calculator
Listening to: girls grabbing coffee together two tables down and gabbing about diet pills, how awful they feel about eating a cinnamon roll, and how they are going to achieve Spring break bods

I can remember a time in kindergarten when I looked down at my feet and could not see them over my toddler belly. It was the first time that I felt overweight. It was the first time that I felt like my body wasn't what it was supposed to be. I grew up in a home that bought diet books and People magazine and while they always encouraged one another concerning looks, they never had anything kind to say about their own bodies. I found myself harshly critiquing my physique in middle and high school and even more so as a college student. I'm constantly wishing that I could lose a few inches in some places and gain a few in others. In my eyes, almost every other girl has the body of a goddess and I'm the exception.

Ladies--does this sound familiar?

Its not just my story. I'm convinced that most if not all of us feel this way a majority of our life. Our culture has a skewed perception of normal when it comes to our beautiful and unique bodies.

average size woman with average size mannequin

While I've been in recovery over the last year, I've vastly improved my relationship with food and exercise. Its been 8 months since I've truly binged and longer than that since I've exercised as compensation for caloric intake. I also went a solid three months without stepping on a single scale.

I've also tried to control my weight by counting calories on and off for days or weeks at a time. I've said no to plenty of desserts and snacks only to disappoint myself by eating them anyways. I've still had days where I step on the scale more than once. I've still had days where I call my 5'4" 135 lbs. marathon runner frame fat. I've still compared my body to other girls. I still ask for affirmation from my mom and boyfriend and roommates to make sure that I'm living healthfully and living normally and living recovered.

Whether you're dealing with an eating disorder or not, growing up an American girl is no easy task; that's why I have to break up with Ed every day.

Daily I decide to listen to my body.
Daily I decide to give myself grace.
Daily I exercise my heart and mind.
Daily I let Jesus tell me that I am worth it.
Daily I try to listen to His kindness and grace.

You are strong.
You are beautiful.
You are enough.

"I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be glorified in my body, whether by life or by death." Philippians 1:20

Be kind to your body, you're a messenger after all.

returning home

For months I've been chasing something that I'll never grab hold of, searching for things that won't ever satisfy what I'm really after. To say that I've loved God well lately would be far from true, to say that Christ has been the one true love in my heart is a lie.

There have been seasons in my life that I've craved intimate time with my Jesus, seasons marked by my unashamed obsession with him and his sweet love. I think that deep down I've been craving time with him but numbed myself to that longing.

"There was a man who had two sons. The younger said to his father, 'give me my share of the estate.' So he divided his property between them. The younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living...he had spent everything." Luke 15:11-14

Here I am, completely spent; depleted any joy and strength I found in Him. I've wasted the gifts he gave me and now I'm left empty.

And yet here I sit, humiliated and helplessly searching for Him. I'm coming back to the one whose heart loves mine for all the darkness it contains, for all my shame and sin and selfishness.

"'I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your servants.'

But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him...'Let's have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and now is found!'" Luke 15:18-22

I'm sitting at my fathers feet and he kneels to sit with me. He's ready for the intimate time he's been waiting so patiently for. He's ready to sing and dance and romance me and wastes no time saying "I told you so."

That's my God, the one whom my soul loves.

in 2014 I will...

1. blog twice a month

2. do p90x (and complete all 90 days)

3. do more crossword puzzles

4. verbalize my love and appreciation for others more often

5. After returning from Haiti this summer, I mostly expected God to talk to me, to find me. I didn't put a whole lot of effort into our friendship. It was hard to go from a place that required total dependence on him in every aspect of my life and come back to the land of plenty surrounded by family and friends and comfort. I expected to keep up my new disciplines but instead fell back into old routines.

"A few days later,...the people heard that [Jesus] had come home. So many gathered that there was no room left, not even outside the door, and He preached the word to them. Some men came, bringing to him a paralytic, carried by the four of them. Since they could not get him to Jesus because of the crowd, they made an opening in the roof about Jesus and, after digging through it, lowered the mat the paralyzed man was lying on. When Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralytic, 'Son, your sins are forgiven.'" Mark 2:1-5

He deserves our best. He deserves to be fought for. He desires to be desired. Thats what makes us so like Him. We want to be fought for, to have someone break down all barriers to be with us. Sometimes it looks like cutting holes in the roof and sometimes it looks like finding a secret place to be with Him. Either way, I'm committing to that in 2014 and each year after.

comparison and gratitude

So here I am in the Columbus Airport, another holiday spent with family and filled with food. This Thanksgiving was a blast. It makes me long to be home in Rals and these next two weeks will undoubtedly feel like decades.

I think back to last holiday season and where I was one year ago. I was in the height of an eating disorder, overcome by a vicious cycle of starving and bingeing. Not only was I obsessed with food and controlling my weight, but the rest of the country was obsessed with food too. I was in Ohio for three days before I had an anxious emotional breakdown. Not to be dramatic, but I literally told Mom that I never wanted to go back to Columbus.

This year, I was able to eat normally. I didn't need to run everyday to make my calories balance out at the end of the day, nor did I desire to keep track of calories at all. Yes, I did eat pecan pie and chocolate chip cake; no, I did not binge until I was sick nor did I starve myself as punishment. 

The Lord heals, y'all. I'm living proof. I'm grateful for His miracles and I'm grateful for His fires that refine me. A heck of a lot can happen in one year, just ask ED, me, and Jesus.

50th post and upcoming adventures

Over the last several months, God has given me near complete healing in my eating disorder. I am proud to say that I haven't weighed myself since March, have stopped restricting my calories and foods, ceased counting calories and minutes spent exercising, and all my clothes still fit. Food no longer has any power over me and can no longer hurt me or bring me comfort. It is merely used for energy and satisfaction; its original intent. The LORD is so good to me, because I could not have found this freedom on my own.

"No longer will they call you Deserted, or name your land Desolate. But you will be called Hephzibah (my delight is in her) and your land Beulah (married); for the LORD will take delight in you,...as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride, so will your God rejoice over you." Isaiah 61:4+5

I see now what His delight in me looks like, and while food has taken its rightful place in my life, He's helped me to begin the process of developing a delight in the person He's made me--inside and out. Its been tough, but I think a few weeks in a culture vastly different from my own is exactly what I need to be free of these chains.

As I prepare to go on a two month tour in Haiti, I'll be keeping y'all updated on a separate blog until my return. You can find it here.

Peace and blessings until then!